Book Review: Snow Flower and the Secret Fan-Lisa See

This is a tale about life with all that it brings; family, friendship, tradition and death among others. The story is told in first person which makes it not only beautiful but incredibly sad and heart breaking. The story revolves around two women who meet as girls; Lily and Snow Flower who are from two different socio-economic class and by some twist of fate end up as laotong  or “old sames” as tradition would have it. We meet Lily, who tells the story, at the age of seven and grow old with her till she is eighty years old. 

The one thing that stayed with me throughout the book was the role tradition plays in our lives. In this case, foot binding  and the place of the woman in the society’s hierarchy.  In many cultures, the woman or girl is trained and prepared for marriage, it occurred to me that the women undergo more intensive preparation than the men. Traditionally, the onus is on the woman to be meet the criteria of the man and she has can only wait and be chosen. This leads to painful and sometimes fatal practices like  foot binding, neck lengthening, female circumcision, Victorian corsets, force feeding to make them fatter, teeth sharpening, ear elongations, body art and piercings. All these in a bid to make the woman more beautiful and sometimes as a sign of endurance, maturity and more eligible for marriage.

Besides the traditional aspects of the book, the friendship between Lily and Snow Flower is one to be cherished.  It helps them not only survive through the worst of times but also helps us see how there some issues that only women understand and also how fragile friendships are. We are introduced into Chinese culture and tradition but also the strength of women to endure all.  Here are some of the words among others that stayed with me:-

“Only through pain will you find beauty. Only through suffering will you find peace.” 

"She had been raised to be a fine lady and, as hungry as she was, she did not tear into the food as someone in my family might... Her restraint and control taught me a lesson I have not strayed from to this day. You may be desperate, but never let anyone see you as anything less than a cultivated woman”

"I also knew the difference between nei - the inner realm of the home - and wai - the outer realm of men - lay at the heart of Confucian society....the domestic sphere is for women and the outer sphere is for men....I also understood that two Confucian ideals ruled our lives. The first was the Three Obediences: 'When a girl, obey your father; when a wife, obey your husband; when a widow, obey your son.' The second was the Four Virtues, which delineate women's behaviour, speech, carriage, and occupation: 'Be chase and yielding, calm and upright in attitude; be quiet and agreeable in words; be restrained and exquisite in movements; be perfect in handiwork and embroidery.”

"My small feet would be offered as proof to my prospective in-laws of my personal discipline and my ability to endure the pain of childbirth, as well as whatever misfortunes might lie ahead."

"You married out, you go to another village. Your mother-in-law is cruel. Your husband doesn't care for you. We wish you would never leave, but every daughter marries away... You can cry and beg to come home, but you-and we- have no choice."

I also love how i gained so much knowledge about Chinese culture and old traditions from this book. This story also taught me so many things about life generally, through the characters we see their suffering, their sacrifices, even the joy and sadness of life.

Again, Here we go

I am almost certain that the more things change the more they stay the same. I was looking at some old posts circa 2005 and the relationship troubles  have not changed much. Difference is i seem to judge character better and faster than before.

One of the way that things have not changed is the beginning, okay maybe a little, since this instance girl is hooked up for a blind date with boy. On meeting, they realize that they have met before, in fact boy has been to girl's house for a party *insert quizzical look here*. Apparently he remembers her while she doesn't anyway, who cares the date goes on. Here is the thing, he is a sharp dude and conversation is ridiculously good and he is a lot of things that girl likes (yes, i love lists).

Then some really good times, mixed signals, second guessing, conversation with a friend to check if she is not over thinking it ...  Slowly the dopamine rush fades away and with it the rose colored glasses clear. I like him, he knows it and says he likes me too. why do i feel like am 16 again ? If only crushes, love and relationships got easier with time. 


As my dad says no one can claim to be an expert in love, each person comes with a new set of terms.

Little Things

Its the little things in the relationship that make it worth it. I just got home from a celebration with my MBA class of end of school.Funny how the first person i wanted to call and tell that school is over is my ex-boyfriend. Somehow that word still doesn't suit him i feel like there should be more words to explain what used to be. There are several things that i miss abut about being in a relationship:-

• That hug that you get that requires a moment on both parties that makes you know someone has your back.
• The rolling over in bed and feeling someone next to you then you snuggle up to them
• The kisses the touch that knowing feeling. 
• The ability to explain situations by referring to previous information such as you know how X is?
• The conversations where anything and everything is acceptable.
• That satisfaction or sense of feeling that he might be the one
• The chance to take care of someone 
• The making plans and dreaming of the possibilities together
• The pride of introducing another as yours.

It ridiculous how everything just fades away and there is so so much that is left unanswered. As a good friend prayed" Lord if he is not mine let me not see him and let him not see me". My heart is shattered into so many pieces such that i don't know how to put them together. I don't know how to  start don't again, i dunno how to trust again, i just don't know how to find love again. 

I have been here before and i should know how to do this if only i could stop crying then we might have progress, If only i had the balls to tell the people who ask after us that there is no us anymore. If only there was a way to never have met you or fall in love in with you then i might have a chance at believing in love and forever. Maybe believe that all things works out for my good and that i will find love again. If only there was a way to mute the moans of the neighbor's girlfriend upstairs that remind me that am all by myself. If only there was a way of dreaming of the future and the man i see in future is not you. If only there was a way to even think of getting laid by someone else and controlling how fast my knees snap shut at the thought of another man. 

 If only there was another way to tell my dad that we are no longer together? If only i could get myself to forgive you and look past this?

Way too many what ifs and possibilities. Yet life goes on regardless.

Sucks that we almost had it all then you screwed it up.

Step One

I am a lister and a creature of habit. I love routine and find great comfort in knowing that events or activities will follow each other as planned. In the event that there is no prescribed plan, i will make one up. I am that person who lists stuff just to be sure that i am clear on what comes after what. Every year since i graduated campus i have taken time to list in my journal the things that i plan to achieve for that year. Normally i will keep them to a maximum of twenty items and then formulate the action plans for achieving said goals. As it happens some activities spill over to the next year but will be updated based on the completion date.

At the beginning of this year, one of my biggest prayers was that God would change me to be the person that He would have me become. Anyone who know me well, will tell you that one of my life goals is i aspire to be like the Proverbs 31: 10-31 woman. Realistically it is a tall order but what is life if we cannot aim for the things that seem impossible. When i started this prayer, i genuinely felt that i needed to change and i would not be able to get it done by myself.  I knew from the begining that it would be tough since i might not always agree with what i needed to get done.

The last two months have been a test of my commitment to that prayer in ways that i never thought possible. I had a vision of what i thought i wanted my life to be like and where i should be right now yet all that seems to have been nullified. I have had moments where i have cried out to God  and wondered if He was listening to me at all? There have been moments of complete and utter hopelessness where i just lay in bed and watched as time went by. I honestly do not know the last time i felt so broken or helpless and yet had to go on with life as if i still had it together. 

During Easter weekend i made the decision to go away and just take time off life and think about my life and hopefully gain some answers. While this year so far has not worked out as i had planned, through the pain and the drama, there have been good things going on. One of the best things is my mother and i became friends, i have been able to open up to my mother about my life in ways that i never thought possible. We have grown so close and she has held me up in prayers and encouragement and all i can think of is why did it take so long to get here.

I have had time to look at the people in my life and see them as they really are, question if the relationships were worth it, prayed endlessly for wisdom and courage to do the right thing. I have been able to realize a support system that i didn't realize existed,  people i have called to pray with and for me who have been nothing short of God-sent.

I feel like i have found myself, an old me that was comfortable in her skin, strong, resilient and optimistic. I find that able to express what i feel without fear that i will be judged. I find that am less fearful of the future and what it holds. Guaranteed that there are those days when am begging God to show me what the future holds but i feel that am learning to give up control of the things i cannot control/change and focus on the things that i can.

I find that my plans for the future are not so dreamy but more realistic and flexible knowing that its not always that we get what we want. I am okay with me and where i am even though its not where i wanted to be, i have found peace and strength in knowing that as long as i keep working and believing, it will get better. 

Line Them Up

Its been a long minute since i was here. Now i decided to go back to school to do my  MBA and between school, life, love+relationships, family, side hustle there honestly hasn't been a lot of time to do anything. Best news, SCHOOL'S OUT, okay so not just yet but on 23.12.11 at noon, mama is done with semester one exams and party begins. I have mad psych for a night of partying more than an Amish teen on rumspringer. Now since i have two week break between now and the second semester beginning i intend to have a lot of good times. So line them up...

Just in case am not able to get back in time. Happy *insert appropriate holiday here* to you and yours. Please be safe and blessings.

Oh yeah and happy new year you know just in case.

Lastly for my favorite toast,
Here's to more money, good health, better sex, great friendships and good times.

Grilled Honey Lime Tilapia with Turmeric Rice & Mango Salsa

This is my first attempt at making fish fillet whole, normally i make fish fingers. My reluctance with whole fish comes from an episode i had where i choked on one of those little fish bones. When i saw this Recipe i just had to try only difference i didn't flour the fish. 

Ingredients:

For the fish and marinade:
2 Tilapia fillets (thawed if frozen)
Juice and zest of 1 lime
1 Tbsp oil
1 Tbsp honey
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
1/4 tsp garlic 

The How:

1. Assemble marinade by combining lime zest, lime juice, olive oil, honey, salt, pepper, and garlic powder in a gallon-sized zip-top bag or shallow container with a lid. 
2. Add fish and marinate in the refrigerator anywhere from 1 hour up to 24 hours. 
3. When ready to cook, remove each fish fillet from the marinade.
4. Heat 2 Tbsp olive oil in a medium skillet over medium-high heat until shimmering.
5. Cook fillets 2 at a time for 3-4 minutes per side or until opaque and browned (this works best if you don’t disturb the fish much while letting it cook).

Mango Salsa Recipe
Ingredients

1 large mangos, diced
1 tomato, diced
1/2 Cucumber, diced
1/2 red onion, diced
1 pepper, seeded and diced (optional)
1 small bunch of cilantro, chopped fine
the juice of 1 lime
1/2 teaspoon salt


The How
Combine all ingredients in a bowl.
Mix well and let set for at least 20 minutes before serving so flavors can combine.


Result: the fish was flaky and tasty with the salsa being crunchy plus sweet and sour :)

Creamy Chicken Mushroom with Pasta

This Saturday i had the privilege of making some new friends and learning a new recipe. Thank you J for the wonderful recipe quick and very very tasty.  So after a long day i had a craving for this creamy yummy goodness. Here goes:-

Ingredients:

1 piece boneless chicken breast, cubed

400g mushroom in brine (200g when drained) rinsed and quartered

1 onion

3 tbsp cooking oil

Salt and pepper flakes to taste

150ml double cream milk (minimum 35% butterfat)

2 handfuls cooked pasta

Makes 2 servings

The How:

Pour the oil into the pan and when hot, add the onions and  fry till golden brown.

Add the chicken cubes and cook till opaque and there are is no pink color and clear juices are running





Add the mushrooms, salt and pepper then stir to mix.

Add all the double cream and stir to mix.

Simmer over low heat until all the double cream is absorbed.

Ready to eat.

Of Women and Sex

“…speaking about sex as if it were something a woman gave a man at a loss to herself…” - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie,my American Jon

I read this story some two weeks ago that was after I had read Uses of Fear and it stayed with me. While I have almost made peace with Audre Lorde’s statement, I just can’t get over this statement.  I just kept on thinking why is that there is the belief that when a woman has sex with a man she gives more than the man. In my thinking isn’t sex something that is give and take, the assumption here being that this is between two consenting adults. Why can’t women just have sex just to have sex you know to fulfill a need, you know like get laid because I want to get laid. Why is it that when a woman has sex just to fulfill a need the society looks down on her? Of course there is hundreds of other reasons why women have sex. Some of these being promotion, money, drugs, bartering, for revenge, to get back at a partner who has cheated on them. To make themselves feel good. To make their partners feel bad. Women can use sex at every stage of the relationship, from luring a man into the relationship, to try and keep a man so he is fulfilled and doesn't stray. Duty. Using sex to get rid of him or to make him jealous. That besides, the question still begs why is it assumed that the woman has more to lose than the man should she choose to have sex with him. Before you say that women are more easily attached and all so are some men, just like there are men who are able to disconnect sex and feelings there are also women who are able to do that.

What do you think of Chimanda’s statement?

Sights and Scenes: Munyonyo, Kampala, Uganda

I consider Uganda my second home, there is something about Uganda that i cannot find words to describe. Munyonyo is 12km from the heart of the city Kampala and its located on the shores of Lake Victoria. 

[click to enlarge]

Alot of Waragi (Ug) and Cold Nile specials plus Porko with Cassava chips consumed at this place (Mikis Pub)

Chocolate Cake in 5 Minutes

This has become my new midnight snack. I had  a hankering for something sweet and cakey so I got on the net and found this little gem. Go ahead, try it.

Ingredients:

• 4 Tablespoons cake flour
• 4 Tablespoons sugar
• 2 Tablespoons cocoa
• 1 Egg
• 3 Tablespoons milk
• 3 Tablespoons oil
• 1 Mug

Instructions:

• Mix flour, sugar and cocoa:
• Spoon in 1 egg
• Pour in milk and oil, and mix well
• Put in microwave for 3 minutes on maximum power
• Wait until it stops rising and sets in the mug
• Tip contents out of mug onto saucer and enjoy!

Sunday Afternoon II

Dry Beef Curry and homemade Naan.

This is my first attempt at making curry and Naan at home, its always been easier to eat out. The goal was to make this Naan and i ended up with 6 pieces so thats great. The curry was great just need to make a few tweaks like less soy sauce yes you read right soy sauce. Note to self to learn food presentation and get a better camera or learn photography :).
Have a great week ahead.

My Heart's Desire

I am one of those people who came to the City (read Nairobi)  to campus then got jobs and i have lived here for close to twelve years making this city my home. Having grown up in the countryside, the way i look at life is sometimes very different than that of my friends who are born and bred here. Growing and to date my father is the indisputable head of the family, the provider and the one who solves all problems. Whenever my siblings and i wanted anything there was a chain of command to follow, you would ask Ma who would get back to you on what they decided. All decisions at our house started with  "we have decided.." and the only way to get that decision changed was to show cause. My mother was your typical African woman she would go to work, come home, ensure that homework is done, dinner is cooked. Looking back i am amazed at how she balanced her family, work, active church membership and women's group among others. When my dad got home it seemed as though time stopped then we would talk of the day, any issues were handled and as was tradition goodies were handed out either tropical mints or chocolate depending on money. I have never seen my parents fight since such was reserved for closed doors. From my childhood, i have always known that men take care of their women and women take care of their men.


Unfortunately the more i grew up the more i got a reality check that not all men love their women and treat them as they should yet there are those who want to but don't know how. On our part as women, we sometimes make it hard for the men to love and take care of us.  Being a bit more mature am able to have candid conversations with my parents about what makes a marriage last 40 years this December. When i pictured my life at this point i would be married with children and maybe a life very similar to what my mother had only version 2.0. Looking at the people i know who are now married and some of their marriages are  not working out, or even just looking at the rate of failed marriages am very concerned. While i admit that my parents marriage is not perfect, they must be doing something right to be able to raise a good family and still be together after all this time.I want to get married some day and one of my biggest prayers is that when that time comes i am the Proverbs 31 Woman realistically it won't happen at once but i pray that its the end result. 

Sunday Afternoon

So this is how my Sunday afternoon was spent. Anyone who has been on this blog long enough knows about my love for food and cooking. I finally got round to making three foods that i thought were hard to do.







The first is ndengu aka green grams, soaked then boiled then stewed.

Mr. Gish loves Chapati and i wasn't so sure i can make soft ones. My last attempt, the result was Chapatis so hard that if a guy threw them at you i was sure they would cut your head off clean. After googling and consulting i took the plunge and Eureka, we did it.















Finally, some snacks for 10 o'clock tea. So i got some puff pastry and sausages so here is my first proper baking project- Pigs in a blanket.  Now to think of some other recipes. By the way, Happy new year to you and yours.

:)

This song makes me happy. I love me some Lingala music but this is just better way better. :)

For 

Heart Matters.

A while back Sisbigbones asked  at what point do you stop being picky and just settle? I figure you don't you do life and it happens when it happens, because when i stopped looking is when i found him. Funny how our definition of love changes as we mature and so does the perception of the perfect mate. When i was younger ;) i would worry about how the man looks, dresses, what would my friends think of him etc etc. Now i find that those qualitities have changed in that he gets more slack for not being perfect and my expectations are more realistic vis a vie the heroine in Mills & Boon novels i used to read. 


I find that that am keen to understand his beliefs, value systems and most of all relationship with God. For me its a big deal that the person have a relationship and believe in God plus prayer. They don't have to be strict church goer since am more of an e-follower aka the Lord's secret service.
Aside: A guy was  coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed him by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

He replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t “see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”

I digress, but am also keen on his background, who are they and where do his come from. I want to know what are his plans  and what he is doing to achieve those plans. I am curious as to what is his stand on children, abortion, marriage, home ownership, role of the woman in the family, career/business/entrepreneurship, retirement, politics etc, Its not just about having someone to call my own its about friendship, companionship and dependability. The ability to have a conversation without worrying about being judged or a need to be always correct and/or sound sharp. Just to say whats on your mind and have another person critique, laugh, correct or just be silent.

Then there is Sex, the ability for both partners to say what makes them happy and how they want it. Mutual satisfaction is key as we all know the 80-20 rule,when the sex is great its 20% of the relationship and when it sucks its 80%.For some its the ability of the other person to respect the others wishes such as the choice to wait for a while or till marriage before being intimate. Its more of quality than quantity. 

Lastly there is no easy relationship you work at it everyday and it doesn't stop. Love, friendship,  compromise and forgiveness make it easier. For me it giving and treating your partner as you would yourself. Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.

Sights and Scenes of Magadi, Kenya.

Magadi Soda Company is a leading producer of sodium carbonate and salt founded in 1911. Past the factory are the glorious hot springs which are alleged to restore virginity, took a dip and still nothing still makes for great jacuzzi experience. Pics below of the factory, pipeline and hot springs minus Gish (censored!) ok maybe the toes only.

Sunset over the hotsprings