Step One

I am a lister and a creature of habit. I love routine and find great comfort in knowing that events or activities will follow each other as planned. In the event that there is no prescribed plan, i will make one up. I am that person who lists stuff just to be sure that i am clear on what comes after what. Every year since i graduated campus i have taken time to list in my journal the things that i plan to achieve for that year. Normally i will keep them to a maximum of twenty items and then formulate the action plans for achieving said goals. As it happens some activities spill over to the next year but will be updated based on the completion date.

At the beginning of this year, one of my biggest prayers was that God would change me to be the person that He would have me become. Anyone who know me well, will tell you that one of my life goals is i aspire to be like the Proverbs 31: 10-31 woman. Realistically it is a tall order but what is life if we cannot aim for the things that seem impossible. When i started this prayer, i genuinely felt that i needed to change and i would not be able to get it done by myself.  I knew from the begining that it would be tough since i might not always agree with what i needed to get done.

The last two months have been a test of my commitment to that prayer in ways that i never thought possible. I had a vision of what i thought i wanted my life to be like and where i should be right now yet all that seems to have been nullified. I have had moments where i have cried out to God  and wondered if He was listening to me at all? There have been moments of complete and utter hopelessness where i just lay in bed and watched as time went by. I honestly do not know the last time i felt so broken or helpless and yet had to go on with life as if i still had it together. 

During Easter weekend i made the decision to go away and just take time off life and think about my life and hopefully gain some answers. While this year so far has not worked out as i had planned, through the pain and the drama, there have been good things going on. One of the best things is my mother and i became friends, i have been able to open up to my mother about my life in ways that i never thought possible. We have grown so close and she has held me up in prayers and encouragement and all i can think of is why did it take so long to get here.

I have had time to look at the people in my life and see them as they really are, question if the relationships were worth it, prayed endlessly for wisdom and courage to do the right thing. I have been able to realize a support system that i didn't realize existed,  people i have called to pray with and for me who have been nothing short of God-sent.

I feel like i have found myself, an old me that was comfortable in her skin, strong, resilient and optimistic. I find that able to express what i feel without fear that i will be judged. I find that am less fearful of the future and what it holds. Guaranteed that there are those days when am begging God to show me what the future holds but i feel that am learning to give up control of the things i cannot control/change and focus on the things that i can.

I find that my plans for the future are not so dreamy but more realistic and flexible knowing that its not always that we get what we want. I am okay with me and where i am even though its not where i wanted to be, i have found peace and strength in knowing that as long as i keep working and believing, it will get better. 

My Heart's Desire

I am one of those people who came to the City (read Nairobi)  to campus then got jobs and i have lived here for close to twelve years making this city my home. Having grown up in the countryside, the way i look at life is sometimes very different than that of my friends who are born and bred here. Growing and to date my father is the indisputable head of the family, the provider and the one who solves all problems. Whenever my siblings and i wanted anything there was a chain of command to follow, you would ask Ma who would get back to you on what they decided. All decisions at our house started with  "we have decided.." and the only way to get that decision changed was to show cause. My mother was your typical African woman she would go to work, come home, ensure that homework is done, dinner is cooked. Looking back i am amazed at how she balanced her family, work, active church membership and women's group among others. When my dad got home it seemed as though time stopped then we would talk of the day, any issues were handled and as was tradition goodies were handed out either tropical mints or chocolate depending on money. I have never seen my parents fight since such was reserved for closed doors. From my childhood, i have always known that men take care of their women and women take care of their men.


Unfortunately the more i grew up the more i got a reality check that not all men love their women and treat them as they should yet there are those who want to but don't know how. On our part as women, we sometimes make it hard for the men to love and take care of us.  Being a bit more mature am able to have candid conversations with my parents about what makes a marriage last 40 years this December. When i pictured my life at this point i would be married with children and maybe a life very similar to what my mother had only version 2.0. Looking at the people i know who are now married and some of their marriages are  not working out, or even just looking at the rate of failed marriages am very concerned. While i admit that my parents marriage is not perfect, they must be doing something right to be able to raise a good family and still be together after all this time.I want to get married some day and one of my biggest prayers is that when that time comes i am the Proverbs 31 Woman realistically it won't happen at once but i pray that its the end result. 

Going Down!

Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.


I am not sure what i feel, sometimes am sad,then am angry then helpless but mostly overwhelmed. I have had this feelings for the past week or so and from the look of things i had better figure something out real quick. Stuff normally doesn't get me to tears as easily as it is doing now. I feel like i have a million thoughts going through my mind coupled with an endless fast growing to-do list. Towards the end of last week, i was sure that if i could get away if only for a while then maybe i could devise a plan. Now whenever i sleep i keep waking up with fright and have strange incoherent dreams. Then they started a fight where my family is at, its hard to talk to my daddy who is down playing it(i know he is protecting me)and then get the real deal from my siblings. Arrggghhh am so fed up. Still its not been all cloudy, i must thank all the amazing people who have asked about me and my fam (Akiey '07). Others who have made me smile and forget if only for a moment. Yeah even you too who didn't know what to say, am grateful maybe when i can i will talk to someone. I feel like am going down but at least am looking up.

Zero Seven

Another Christmas, another end of year. Zero Seven has been a good one for me all round in terms of answered prayers. Even in those answered prayers some answers have been hard to swallow seeing that they are not exactly what I had in mind and would have preferred to wait than hear no!

Growing up I always had a strained relationship with my Mum yet with age that seems to be healing itself. She has prayed me through so many things and situations like mwendwa among many others. I have come to understand and admire her greatly. I see her image and influence in me and i know that am blessed. I will always be daddy’s girl no matter what. I have always looked at him through rose colored glasses yet this year I have learnt that he is also human. My parents are to me my greatest blessing, granted that it has not always been rosy but with age a lot of their actions and words make sense. With that there is lot of forgiveness, appreciation and love. Am thankful for my siblings plus in-laws who became family and made an auntie out of me. Tis true that we had hard times adjusting but as was clear the other day we are now family. Without you all I wouldn’t have the place I call home, the support, the love, the encouragement and above all the prayers.

While I have made a lot of friends (in person and online), with the New Year I pray that I can rekindle some of friendships that due to lack of communication have slumped into a coma. I have met bloggers that I now call friends (see blog roll) from the carribean, naijabloggers and my peoples (Kenya). Funny how through reading your blogs and the endless chat I have come to know you and share with you more than I ever thought possible. Now I have loads friends I am yet to meet, thank you for sharing my life. For all the lurkers and good Anons am sure all bloggers will agree with me, thank you.

Careerwise, a lot of movements way better than the last year and '08 looks even better. Still got faith that in '08 i can get schooling.

My relationship with God has come long way we are getting along better. Still I feel there is a lot more to be done with regards to my consistency yet in the New Year I have hope that it can only get better. I know for sure without God am nothing, so all glory and honor to Him.

Lastly, to someone who gets most of me and has made it better. Looking forward to greater heights of friendship.

How has yours been?

This Man

I love this man with every fiber of my being,with everything that i am. I would die for him yes i know its a little extreme but for him nothing is. You have been my friend the one who has demanded more out of me and inspired me to be what am now. I am always welcome and can call you without necessarily having something to tell you just to tease you or to tell you mundane details about my day. I have you to thank for my love of sports despite our countless Man u Vs Arsenal(me) debates.I love the way we stay up to talk and watch wrestling/ movies or talk politics. By the way i will bring him home just give me time to make sure that he is the one. For your support,prayers, love, friendship and for being the best dad a gal can ask for.To my numero uno man in my life, now and always Happy birthday daddy.May God Bless you and keep you. I love you.

(Ol' Skool way)Dedicate: Song for dad by Keith Urban.

Aside:Modo shares a birthday with Daddy dearest tommorow. Happy birthday and thanks for being a good friend and yes the Waragi is on the way. Many happy returns and God's blessings.

Prayers & Influences

First, happy new month. The last six weeks have been an emotional roller coaster yet i chose to hang on. In the same period i have prayed more than ever and by prayer not kneeling more like all the time under my breath to God for guidance and wisdom. I asked God to show me a sign, i felt that He took so long and maybe my prayers were bouncing back i enlisted the support of my mother who in turn asked my dad and siblings in. They all didn't know what was going on but they kept at it asking that i be granted wisdom, guidance and strength. I think i have known the answer for a while but just didn't want to believe it since it wasn't what i was expecting and God has showed me signs that i chose to ignore for the same reason.Last night the answer came loud and clear.First i panicked then called Ma and after talking i was filled with peace and a sense of relief. I then got this feeling that sometimes we are too keen asking for God to open doors and maybe what we should be asking is that He closes some doors. Yet some doors have opened too wider than i ever thought.
I don't like the person that i am when am with you. I let myself become the kind of woman i have always prayed not to be yet still i have learnt that am still optimistic and discovered that i am at the end of the day a great person. Maybe i should be sad and hurt that we can no longer be but i cant help but feel relieved that we no longer are. Does this mean that it was all in my head? I must admit that i have learnt a lot from and do know where to draw the line. All the same am glad you came my way.