18 April 2008

The Positive And Negative Of Being Alone

Being alone is a state of ecstasy
Being alone is a quiet orgasm
Being alone is like the sound of silence
Being alone is making one side of the bed
Being alone is arguing with yourself in the mirror
Being alone is not seeing yourself in the mirror
Being alone can become a permanent state
Being alone does not disappoint
Being alone allows you to explore your inner self

-Allan James Saywell

8 April 2008

Baby Steps

The past couple of weeks had me in a reflective mood.One of the things i have learnt it that in the blink of an eye life can change and never be the same again. I have learnt that every decision and choice counts though sadly we sometimes have to them in the a split second or take as long as we need. See some decisions are so routine that we don't think of the impact that the have on our life. I don't understand how something so routine, same choice made over and over again then the one day you choose differently all hell breaks loose. I have learnt that there is no decision that shouldn't be thought through and consequences weighed no matter how big or small.
In the same time, i have known what it is for someone to give you their love and show it with no reservations. I have seen love in action, seldom said but shown not in a bid to impress me but just because it is felt and because the person derives the pleasure from it. I have wished and prayed to be able to requite such unmeasurable love yet i couldn't feel anything besides immense nolstagia and deep friendship. I have taken time to think and rethink the pros and cons. My Ma says that in considering forever with someone, true friendship outweighs love any day. I don't remember the last time i prayed to God so much for wisdom so as to make the right choice as well as a sign to say yes, no or wait. The decision made all the more difficult by history (cant believe i have known you for 5 years already) and knowing that you are most of the things i pray for in a mate. Then despite all, knowing that i have to let you go since its not fair to you believing that if you are mine you will be back.
I have rediscovered the pleasure of spending time alone, just chilling or with a good book. Sometimes in the still of the night, just to lay still and let thoughts run through the mind. At the same time, realized the pleasure of good company-easy conversation late into the night, silly jokes, sound advice, the sharing and catching up, endless bottles of wine and munchies, soccer and movies, the fights and all. Knowing when to be silent and listen as well as the joys of sharing.
Spirituality, the very essence of me that i promised to work on this year. I have learnt how to pray not necessarily by kneeling, hands clasped and all but by having constant conversation with God though out my day. In the process, i am transformed into a woman that am loving more everyday. I have learnt to be thankful. I was going through my journal and i realized that i have lot of answered prayers. Some prayers i wish hadn't been answered yet others am grateful that they were. Still am growing steadily, mending my relationship with God in the hope that through that the rest will be mended as well.
I have made peace with the past, knowing very well how far i have come and all the things that have transpired. Some secrets that i will go to the grave with while others that need time to heal and others already healed. Transgressions forgiven and forgotten, others requiring a bit more grace.
It has also been a time when my eyes have been opened to a few issues i was blissfully ignorant. Funny how some friendships don't take lot of effort, i could like not talk to you for long yet when i call you are there just as i am there when you need me and its like we were always together. Friendships, company evaluated and re-evaluated.
Looking forward, a lot of changes ahead, all in name of self improvement and growing up. One small step many more to go...