14 November 2008


A while back i made a list of the things that i wanted in a man. This list is in two categories, what i need him to have(very important) and what i want him to have(negotiable). Then i wrote a list of what i have to offer at the moment. I was going through my journal from 2006 and yes its official as much as things have changed, they have also remained the same. It seems that i still haven't learnt much about relationships save for being wary of being in one.
It seems to me that with time am more hesitant to take heart related risks. I met someone and for a minute i allowed myself to think of what can be? Unfortunately that lasted all of that minute and soon my head, as it usually does, took over and started rationalizing everything that was going on. While i love the freedom that comes with being alone , i am not keen on the loneliness that creeps in with being alone. Within the past month, i the took a friend to bury a man she had loved for five years. The pain in her eyes and the cry from deep in her soul had me wondering if it is all worth it. Yet in the same time we crossed borders so that a friend could meet the parents of a man she thinks is it. The joy and endless laughter, how she lights up when she talks of him has me thinking maybe, just maybe its all about finding that person.
I have been thinking, am not good at this dating/relationship thing. Someone close to me once claimed that he is not boyfriend material and i got to thinking what makes one relationship material? Is it the ability to stay and press on even when things look glum? Is it the ability to communicate effectively and honestly? J says that my bug is that i date/love like a man, dunno what it means so i can't explain. So here we go again, two steps forward eight steps back. And no, its better not to yearn than to yearn at all.