14 November 2008


A while back i made a list of the things that i wanted in a man. This list is in two categories, what i need him to have(very important) and what i want him to have(negotiable). Then i wrote a list of what i have to offer at the moment. I was going through my journal from 2006 and yes its official as much as things have changed, they have also remained the same. It seems that i still haven't learnt much about relationships save for being wary of being in one.
It seems to me that with time am more hesitant to take heart related risks. I met someone and for a minute i allowed myself to think of what can be? Unfortunately that lasted all of that minute and soon my head, as it usually does, took over and started rationalizing everything that was going on. While i love the freedom that comes with being alone , i am not keen on the loneliness that creeps in with being alone. Within the past month, i the took a friend to bury a man she had loved for five years. The pain in her eyes and the cry from deep in her soul had me wondering if it is all worth it. Yet in the same time we crossed borders so that a friend could meet the parents of a man she thinks is it. The joy and endless laughter, how she lights up when she talks of him has me thinking maybe, just maybe its all about finding that person.
I have been thinking, am not good at this dating/relationship thing. Someone close to me once claimed that he is not boyfriend material and i got to thinking what makes one relationship material? Is it the ability to stay and press on even when things look glum? Is it the ability to communicate effectively and honestly? J says that my bug is that i date/love like a man, dunno what it means so i can't explain. So here we go again, two steps forward eight steps back. And no, its better not to yearn than to yearn at all.

6 October 2008

Count Down to the Pearl!

Its Monday at half four and it feels like there was no weekend. Thank God a few urgent things are done though there a few things that are pending with deadline being tomorrow. Pressure is mounting, all in days work. One thing that keeps me going and actually puts a smile on my face. This week ends on Thursday seeing that Friday is a holiday. On that very Thursday after work shall find me headed for the border.
I am off to Kampala with my girl-in-crime Shi, there is trouble to be made.There is a couple of cold Nile Special and some Ug with Gish on them. Some Pork at Zanzi, Rolex at Wandegeya and Katoko with Gnut sauce at my friends house. I can already see my favorite hangout joints as at the last time i was there in June 08. The best thing about the trip is the clique that is waiting, boy can they party, they never disappoint always a new place to discover.
Heres to three days of absolute throw down. All i can say there might be pictures. Can Thursday get here already!!!!

14 September 2008


Dude: “Am tempted to call you Baby. Please accept. Do you?”
Chic: “ Am hesitant since it says more than what’s going on so not just yet”.
Dude: “ please pardon me if I misbehave! How about I call you “woman”
Chic is pissed. Counts to 400. Then…
Chic: Do me a favor, lose my number. Thanks.
Dude: “Am so sorry. Thought you had a great sense of humor. I do and merely extended the same. Am sorry. Good night.

Anyway dude calls chic to clarify if the instructions apply. She tells him not necessarily. He apologizes again and wishes her a good day. Chic wonders if she is being fickle. Arrghhhhh!

12 September 2008


My life has been comfortable by and large with just enough pressure and stress. That was until yesterday, i saunter into class literally and even before i sit am informed that i have a research paper that is overdue. Whats with people flashing their completed assignments can't they just hand them in quietly, show offs.After that comes the handouts i missed, upcoming exams, other papers whose deadlines are in a week or two tops. I get home, fix a snack and Google till late. This is cool though some of the material i find is irrelevant, in the middle of the whole thing, the reminder for the 7:30am meeting with boss man pops up. Decide what to wear and force some sleep, cant sleep so i watch a bit of Sheep in big city only i end up more alert.

Alarm, its 5:45am get out of bed its raining outside, turn on the heater, mumble a prayer get back to bed. At quarter past six, boss man sends a text that he cant make it to meeting so move the meeting for later. Great, only am awake and cant go back to bed so i put on some music and make a cuppa to drink, while i get ready. Its Friday, time for the weekly meeting where departments heads brag about their achievements or defend their peoples for not meeting targets. While at the meeting, i get the ultimate wake up call. Rehearsal is over, stage is set time for me to go on and do my thing. As at now, all i know is that am in major trouble. I have to tweak my schedules and while i know i should be panicking or worried instead i have a rush that i cant explain. Time to draw work plans, dust the card holder, get ready for meetings and ask for patience because some meetings incite homicidal thoughts.

Now that work and school is kicking my ass, time to bust a move. Looks like this weekend will find me at the library. I dislike libraries too quiet for my taste, makes want to burst out into a song or poem then blame it on some disease.

Lastly, a quote from Sheep in big city

Ranting Swede: I'll tell you one thing that really clips my begonias... Coffee Tables! Is every beverage in the world going to want its own table now? Oh, here's the coffee table, here's the tea table, oh, watch out! Here's the lemon-flavored seltzer water table. Where's it all going to end? I drink both root beer and diet root beer. There'll be no place in my house for my shoes! And another thing, if they can put a man on the moon, why can't they leave him there?

Have a blessed and easy weekend my peoples!

10 September 2008

Ermm ermm

So i have been a way for a minute, have so many half written posts arrggh. Every so often i get home after a long day and can't stand the telly, movies so i play some music. Early this week was The Reggae Gold album, lets say i rediscovered how low i could go as well as shocking the neighbors with the loud noise. Ah! the simple things that make me happy!

To a brother who is always there when i need him including the last two middle of the night chauffeuring to the hospital. Thanks for comforting me as well as taking care of me. Thanks for not laughing and not reminding me what i was blabbering. Thanks for looking lost but cool while i cried.I owe you more than one. You are a true friend. God bless you and yours.

21 August 2008

Are that somebody?

Long post ahead but see if you are one of them?

(Ref: Men who can’t Love by Steven Carte and Julia Sokol).

Commitment phobic men/women may display SOME or MANY of the following behaviours:

1. They usually have a history of short relationships and they may never have been married - there is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right woman, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down as they can have children at any age. A favourite line is "someday".

2. If they have been married it is likely to have been for a short time, or, if they have been in a long term relationship or marriage, they will usually have a history of infidelity.

3. They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent women.

4. They are fast to move in on a woman they are attracted to, and they pursue ardently until they win the woman over.

5. They are very charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in reality they have very little concern for the woman’s feelings, as they are always operating from hidden agendas.

6. These men are usually very affectionate and loving. This is because in their mind the relationship is not going to be long term, so they feel free to give affection and love, knowing it won’t be forever. It isn’t long though before they suddenly start rejecting the woman, by not ringing or not wanting to see her for days, or not including her in weekend arrangements etc. This is because they subtly want to give the woman the message that they don’t want a long term committed relationship.

7. Severe commitment phobics play the seduction/rejection game. They can’t make the decision to give totally to the relationship, but they can’t commit to walk away either. They feel trapped by both choices. They feel love for the woman when they don’t see her, but they want to run away when they become involved again.

8. Commitment phobics love the chase but they don’t want the kill. This may happen after 1 night, 1 week, 1 month, 3 months or 1 year. They may start sabotaging just as they are about to get married, or just before or after there's a decision made to move in together.

9. They spin stories to justify their contradictory behaviour, and when the woman threatens to leave the relationship they may make promises to change, but they never do.

10. They tend to treat the woman like a mistress rather than a real girlfriend.

11. They tend to limit the amount of time they spend with the women and treat her as a low priority.

13. Commitment phobics behaviours announce subtly…“You will be special for a short time, but it won’t be forever”.

14. They often choose women who are not the type of partner they are looking for, for example they may be much older, much younger, married, or they may have different interests. They use these differences as excuses to end relationships.

15. They can have a history of frequent career change and often work in environments where they have a certain amount of space and freedom.

16. They treat requests for respect as demands and become, angry, obnoxious and rebellious.

17. Severe commitment phobics avoid events or outings that may include the woman's family or friends.

18. They know an ongoing sexual relationship often leads to commitment so they choose to run when things start to head in that direction.

19. They like to feel in control and create time frames that suit them, often treating the woman like a puppet on a string.

20. They don’t like structure, particularly in their personal life.

21. They tend to compartmentalize their life and keep their work environment, friends or family off limits. They can create wonderful excuses why the woman shouldn’t meet these people.

22. When they get the feeling they need to run, their words and actions are full of mixed messages. They play mind games.

23. A commitment phobic won’t allow the relationship to grow and they have no intentions of ever doing so.

24. They can be moody or aloof and blame the woman for why they are acting so bizarrely.

25. They may withdraw sexually and blame it on the woman for being demanding, or on work fatigue, or illness, or anything else that they can think of.

26. They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility .They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely.

27. They lie, or they are evasive and secretive about where they are and what they are doing to create space.

28. Their living arrangements may be rather off-beat. They may have an apartment but they may rarely stay there, preferring to stay at friends places, with parents or ex-girlfriend’s.

29. They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.

30. Severe commitment phobics may have very little furniture, not own property or a car, as these represent commitment as well. To some buying a car can be as big a decision as deciding to get married - it can be all too much for them as they don’t want to feel stuck with anything.

31. They often don’t invite women to their home because of their peculiar living arrangements, but they have no desire to change their situation. Even if their home is comfortable it exudes the feeling that they want to be alone. It is not welcoming to the outside world.

32. They are often unreliable, late and sometimes they don’t turn up at all. They are like this with family and friends as well, although this is not the case in their working environment.

33. They are often unfaithful in relationships.

34. They can be overly committed to their work or to their children to avoid spending a lot of time with a woman.

35. Severe commitment phobics rarely lower their defences because they don’t want to get too close to a woman, or vice versa. If they do, they usually only give little pieces of their soul in well- planned instalments, except if they are having an affair. Affairs are perfect for commitment phobics as they feel completely safe to disclose and to chase, as commitment is not an option while they are in another relationship.

36. If a man has been married he may void putting his divorce papers through as he can use this as an excuse to keep a woman at bay. This helps him to feel safe from the possibility of ever getting married again.

37. Behavioural inconsistencies are very noticeable with these men when they find themselves getting too close. They become argumentive and abusive, or they create distance. A lot of uncaring sabotage behaviours surface eg. working long hours, taking on extra projects, creating space, not ringing, being late, finding fault with the woman etc

38. They often choose to travel a lot for work, to play a lot of sport, or be involved in many projects to create distance.

39. These men know on some level that they are deceptive and cruel to women.

40. The word “forever” terrifies these men. Love doesn’t scare them; rather it is what love represents to them that scares them. This is due to their negative belief system about love and relationships.

41. They usually end up behaving worse and worse, and they sabotage more and more because they want the woman to end the relationship as they feel too anxious and guilty to do so.

42. Severe commitment phobics can also suffer from claustrophobia and/or a personality disorder.

14 August 2008

Upgrading... please wait

We all struggle with issues(read habits/people/things) in our lives that we know are not the way they ought to be or the way we want them to be. Sometimes at first attempt we set our resolve and its done. Most times we have to try, try again and just when we think we have nailed it, we get tempted or distracted then relapse. After one too many times, i decided to turn my issues to someone i have known all my life, God. With the help of my Ma and my bible study group i asked them to help me pray for an unspoken need. Unspoken need is when you need people to pray with and for you but you cant tell them the details.

I started by asking God to prune me, to rid me of all issues that were holding me back as well as derailing me. Truthfully, it is an easy prayer but i wasn't ready for what would follow. First, was persons who to me i needed their friendship, you know familiarity,sense of belonging, i love them , good times among other reasons. I found myself telling God the role and value of each person that He impressed to me to let go. Some habits and beliefs that were inculcated in me since i was a kid, words that i use because they capture my sentiments accurately. Some of the habits that i have learnt while growing up which define the woman that i have become as well as a few "survival" mechanisms.

Then i asked for the ability to say NO, which for me is particularly difficult to say to people i love and mean alot to me. Maybe even to say no to responsibilities that am asked to take on yet do not have the time but go ahead and pile them on. I am learning to say no with or without explanation depending on the situation as well as the person asking. This has allowed me to focus on fewer things which greatly improves my quality of work plus the added benefit of my very own free time to do as i wish.

Like most people in this day and age i wish i could just flip a switch and issues would be resolved, unfortunately that is not an option. I was reading my journal last night between 2005/6 and while a lot of issues have been resolved there are a couple that have remained the same. Yet some of those resolved issues when i wrote them in they seemed insurmountable, now its like they never were. Change is hard but necessary and am still being upgraded yet some of the things that am most grateful for is the support, people who are real and progress bar that keeps moving.
So what are your issues?

13 August 2008

Am blessed!

I want to shout, real loud hoping to ease the pressure or is it excitement then call A and spill it all out but i cant do that ,while it lasts i intend to enjoy it to the fullest Lord help me.

7 August 2008

10 years on- Not forgotten

Daima (Kenya only) - Eric Wainaina

Umoja ni fahari yetu (Unity is our pride)
Undugu ndio nguvu (brotherhood/kinship our strength)
Chuki na ukabila (hate and tribalism)
Hatutaki hata kamwe (we don’t want at all)
Lazima tuungane, tuijenge nchi yetu (we must unite and build our country)
Pasiwe hata mmoja (let there be none)
Anaetenganisha; (that will put us asunder)

Naishi, Natumaini, (I live, I hope)
Najitolea daima Kenya, (I devote myself to Kenya)
Hakika ya bendera (The surety of our flag)
Ni uthabiti wangu (is my stability)
Nyeusi ya wananchi na nyekundu ni ya damu (black is for the people, red for the blood)
Kijani ni ya ardhi, nyeupe ya amani (green for the land, white for peace)
Daima mimi mkenya (Forever, I am Kenyan)
Mwananchi mzalendo (a patriotic citizen)

Kwa uchungu na mateso (with pain and suffering)
Kwa vilio na huzuni (with tears and sadness)
Tulinyakuliwa Uhuru (freedom was attained for us)
na mashujaa wa zamani (by the heroes of old)
Hawakushtushwa na risasi (they were not frightened by bullets)
au kufungwa gerezani (or to languish in jail)
Nia yao ukombozi kuvunja pingu za ukoloni (their purpose was emancipation – to break the yolk of colonialism)


Wajibu wetu (our responsibility)
Ni Kuishi kwa upendo (is to live with love)
Kutoka ziwa Mpaka pwani (from the lake to the ocean)
Kaskazini na kusini (north to south)

We still remember. We pray that it may not happen again in these lands or others.God bless us all.

21 July 2008

Emotion labelled Fear

Fear: be afraid or feel anxious or apprehensive about a possible or probable situation or event; and some of my very own are:-
1. Snakes and creepy crawlies.
2. Scary movies and stories.
They result to nightmares sorted by either sleeping next to someone or Bible plus rosary under my pillow after endless prayers.
3. Snakes coming up the drain pipe or toilet and biting me.
Don't ask have a very active imagination.
4. Growing old alone and having no one to share my life with.
5. Getting married and then it doesn't work out.
6. Failure.
7. Slipping on the tiles and hitting my head hence unconscious or choking to death seeing that i live alone.
8. Loss of family and friends.
9. Being pregnant and raising a child alone.
10. Situations that make me feel helpless or cannot explain.

I have been accused of being a commitment-phobe but i figure am just scared of being hurt having been there and done that. At the moment am at a place where i know what i want but i cant muster the courage to say it to you. I know you read this blog and i just want you know that am thinking of running away. Maybe its cowardly to you but to me this is the best course of action i can think of now seeing that i need to find the courage to say it or quell what i feel for you. I need to learn how to resist you and to say no every so often. My running does not mean that i like you any lesser just that i need space to sort this jumbled up mess that is my feelings for you.

14 July 2008


The past six weeks have been cold with the worst day being that fateful Tuesday when we were at nine degree centigrade. Am sure some of you are thinking that's not so bad, here it is. This weekend found me snuggled in bed seeing that the weather was less than friendly. I got to thinking about couples who have planned for a garden wedding, does that mean the bride has to find a white sweater/shawl/poncho lest she freezes even before i do and by the way can you ask the priest to skip some parts so that it ends faster.

Beginning of another week, its freezing cold, drizzly and no i don't have a sweater only endless cups of hot chocolate that comes with endless trips to the throne. I got to thinking, what if there was an agency where you could hire someone to keep you warm until the cold season goes away. All that is required is that you a small fee to view the profiles of the men/women who are the body-warmers. The Sales Rep show you to a room where you see the video clip of the person that you think might be good for you. Finally you make the selection of the top three as required by the fine print, then you schedule to interview them, surely its the least you can do seeing that they will be sharing your bed. After the interview you agree on the terms and conditions of the contract therein the reporting hours, code of conduct, expectations from either side etcetra etcetra. So deal is signed, you give directions to your house and that evening you come home to an already warmed bed aah bliss!

If only it was that easy, these are the times when being single is so hard (and yes Kat i heard you). Seriously, how many hot chocolates can you take in an evening? Even worse how do you sleep in a tee, track, socks, sweater arrrgghh i miss feeling the smoothness of my cotton sheets.

2 July 2008

Why oh why?

Does size matter?

Why are men so comfortable with nudity, they just strip and strut around whether
they have a six pack or pot belly, ashy skin, bad legs, unshaved or shaved "Jordo"?

Why do some TV channels insist on airing programs/movies that are not
family friendly as early as 8pm with nudity and cursing? Come to think of it is it
just me or do most cartoons have an adult theme?

Why do some women feel a need to flirt with bus conductors so as to either not pay
fare or pay half of the require amount, Is it really necessary even in the name of
cutting costs?

Why do some men hate on women driving big cars always assuming(loudly) that they
are mistresses or driving daddy's car or boyfriend's car and even if so, then what?

In this day and age, why would one feel a deep need to flash his/her business
card/title all in bid to get some attention. How about trying to develop some
conversation skills?

Most of the men i know will pick up the cheque or go dutch which is good either
way, that i can handle. Abeg you explain the breed of men who just sit there and
wait for women to pay and no they wont do dutch either!

Do people generally realize that there is a difference between making love and
having sex?

When you buy someone a gift or treat them to something,do you realize that the
receiver owes you nothing but gratitude.In the event that you want more kindly let
the term and conditions/fine print be known sooner than later.

Why do i always need a holiday to recover from my holiday?

Why do we as women set such low standards for men?

24 June 2008

Music Meme

Modo tagged me and i got this off Queen. I broke the rules and did it twice.I wont tag but feel free to do your thing.

MEME Rules:
1. Put Your iTunes/ music player on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the meme themselves!

1721-Bach/Minuet and Badinerie(from Ochestral suite no.2 in B minor)
Love is on our side again -Julio Iglesias

As time goes by -Julio Iglesias(Casablanca Soundtrack).
I will always love you-Dolly Parton

Dont fall in love with a dreamer- Kenny Rogers
Losambo-Extra Musica

S.O.S-Eddie Levert Sr & Gerald Levert
(its cold, for real)
Twisted-Keith Sweat

Emergency- The whispers
Never too much-Luther Vandross

1796 Beethoven: minuet in G
Brisa-Poncho Sanchez

Red Light spells danger- Billy Ocean
Doo bee Doo-Freshly Ground

Beat of my heart-Jake Shimabukuro
Hey now- Carl Thomas

A situation-Eddie Levert Sr & Gerald Levert
obsession- Tito Puente

WHAT IS 2+2?
Careless Love- Bessie Smith
I fix my eyes on you-Tommy Walker

Baby making hips- Fantasia
How come how long- Babyface

Beautiful- Meshell Ndegeocello
In the rain-Xcape

Soy Un truhan Soy un Senor- Julio Iglesias
Nathalie-Julio Iglesias

Black and Proud- James Brown
Forse la soglia antisse-Luciano Pavarotti

Tell me something good-Chaka Khan & Rufus
Twist and Shout-Chaka Demus & Pliers

Love is on the way- Dave Koz
Lush Life-John Coltrane

M appari- Luciano Pavarotti
I am Qualified to Satisfy you-Barry White

My way- Elvis Presley

When i said i do- Kenny Latimore
Reason for breathing- Babyface

Don't know why- Kenny G
Body Talk-Lemar

Demu Wangu- Mangweair
Practice what you preach-Carlos Santana

Temptation-P square
Good Enough-Bobby Brown

23 June 2008

To the cat...

First things first, Congratulations on your big day, am so proud of you. You know i really wanted to be there in person to cheer you on and as usual get you into trouble. Am sure you know by now if i had anything to do with it i would be there every weekend if not everyday. Today especially as has been this weekend i miss you more than usual, hanging out with you, making trouble with you, the controversies, the dares, the quiet times, the long talks, that reassuring hug, the music and dancing.
Thank you for your friendship, being there even for the late night calls about nothing, allowing me to derail you, taking care of me, hospitality, being straight with me, raising the bar each time and much much more. See you soon.

Best Always,
FL-K :-*

12 June 2008


For some reason, i have been feeling all smug and happy, pretty much like the cat who ate the canary(which is debatable). The month of May was great and if it keeps up like this then this will be a good year. Today especially am feeling very happy, NO am not in love in fact am still on BT, yet am happy with where i am in my life. So everything is not perfect but am learning to be happy with what i have while i reach for what i want. Nothing can ruin this feeling and am going to cling on to it for as long as i can. Happy day to you all.

5 May 2008


I decided to take last Friday off seeing that Thursday was labor day hence left me with four days to bum and goof off. I did manage to participate in one of those conversations *smh*... It was said that for any woman to keep her man she has to be strict with him. Apparently, men need to be chaperoned to ensure good behavior. Supposedly this is meant to explain why some women want to know where their man is, who he is with, what they are doing and what time he will be home.
In my opinion, if your partner wants to cheat on you no amount of chaperoning will prevent them from doing it. The person will find opportunity in the strangest of places and do it. I would like to believe at the point in time we are dating, you know what you want.Secondly, should a time come and you feel that i no longer meet the criteria you should have the decency to let me know so that we can call it quits. This thing of recruiting his boys or his boys' girlfriends to look out for you is pure gas. My ma says that you should know when to stay and fight and when to walk away. I am assuming that at the point where i launch inquisitions into your whereabouts, doings and recruit spies, it means i don't trust you. Without trust there is no relationship, this is one of the pillars to any relationship. If that is the way to keep a man hallo spinsterhood just because there is some stunts i just wont do.

18 April 2008

The Positive And Negative Of Being Alone

Being alone is a state of ecstasy
Being alone is a quiet orgasm
Being alone is like the sound of silence
Being alone is making one side of the bed
Being alone is arguing with yourself in the mirror
Being alone is not seeing yourself in the mirror
Being alone can become a permanent state
Being alone does not disappoint
Being alone allows you to explore your inner self

-Allan James Saywell

8 April 2008

Baby Steps

The past couple of weeks had me in a reflective mood.One of the things i have learnt it that in the blink of an eye life can change and never be the same again. I have learnt that every decision and choice counts though sadly we sometimes have to them in the a split second or take as long as we need. See some decisions are so routine that we don't think of the impact that the have on our life. I don't understand how something so routine, same choice made over and over again then the one day you choose differently all hell breaks loose. I have learnt that there is no decision that shouldn't be thought through and consequences weighed no matter how big or small.
In the same time, i have known what it is for someone to give you their love and show it with no reservations. I have seen love in action, seldom said but shown not in a bid to impress me but just because it is felt and because the person derives the pleasure from it. I have wished and prayed to be able to requite such unmeasurable love yet i couldn't feel anything besides immense nolstagia and deep friendship. I have taken time to think and rethink the pros and cons. My Ma says that in considering forever with someone, true friendship outweighs love any day. I don't remember the last time i prayed to God so much for wisdom so as to make the right choice as well as a sign to say yes, no or wait. The decision made all the more difficult by history (cant believe i have known you for 5 years already) and knowing that you are most of the things i pray for in a mate. Then despite all, knowing that i have to let you go since its not fair to you believing that if you are mine you will be back.
I have rediscovered the pleasure of spending time alone, just chilling or with a good book. Sometimes in the still of the night, just to lay still and let thoughts run through the mind. At the same time, realized the pleasure of good company-easy conversation late into the night, silly jokes, sound advice, the sharing and catching up, endless bottles of wine and munchies, soccer and movies, the fights and all. Knowing when to be silent and listen as well as the joys of sharing.
Spirituality, the very essence of me that i promised to work on this year. I have learnt how to pray not necessarily by kneeling, hands clasped and all but by having constant conversation with God though out my day. In the process, i am transformed into a woman that am loving more everyday. I have learnt to be thankful. I was going through my journal and i realized that i have lot of answered prayers. Some prayers i wish hadn't been answered yet others am grateful that they were. Still am growing steadily, mending my relationship with God in the hope that through that the rest will be mended as well.
I have made peace with the past, knowing very well how far i have come and all the things that have transpired. Some secrets that i will go to the grave with while others that need time to heal and others already healed. Transgressions forgiven and forgotten, others requiring a bit more grace.
It has also been a time when my eyes have been opened to a few issues i was blissfully ignorant. Funny how some friendships don't take lot of effort, i could like not talk to you for long yet when i call you are there just as i am there when you need me and its like we were always together. Friendships, company evaluated and re-evaluated.
Looking forward, a lot of changes ahead, all in name of self improvement and growing up. One small step many more to go...

17 March 2008

Tagged once, tagged twice

Gitts tagged me so i copied this off Kenyan Gay.
1. Taken a picture completely naked?
half naked and promptly erased.

2. Made out with a friend on your MySpace/Facebook page?
My ex was on hi5, does that count?

3. Danced in front of your mirror naked?

4. Told a lie?
couple of times

5. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?

6. Been arrested?
twice;(no seatbelt and alleged drunk & disorderly)

7. Made out with someone of the same sex?

8. Seen someone die?

9. Slept in until 5pm?
yes, when sick and a few years back.

10. Had sex at work?

11. Fallen asleep at work/school?
at least twice a month

12. Held a snake?

13. Ran a red light?
am not sure

14. Been suspended from school?
almost doesn't count

15. Totaled your car in an accident?
which car?

16. Pole danced?
do imaginary poles count

17. Smoked?
Used to.

18. Been fired from a job?

19. Sang karaoke?
under drink and peer influence

20. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
who hasn't

21. Laughed until a drink came out your nose?

22. Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
will try next time it snows in Nairobi.

23. Kissed in the rain?
Hmm, does a shower count

24. Sang in the shower?

25. Given your private parts a nickname?
just the twins

26. Ever gone out without underwear?
quite comfortable if you must know

27. Sat on a roof top?
yes after watching, set it off.

28. Played chicken?
yes sometimes

29. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
Yeah, twice almost drowned, can't swim.

30. Broken a bone?

31. Mooned/flashed someone?

32. Shaved your head?
not since 1995

33. Slept naked?

34. Played a prank on someone?
a few times

35. Had a gym membership?
not any more

36. Felt like killing someone?
been a while

37. Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry?
no at least not in my presence

38. Cried over someone you were in love with?
enough times

39. Had sex more than 10 times in one day?
yeah once

40. Had Mexican jumping beans for pets?
no pets for me

41. Been in a band?
watching them maybe

42. Subscribed to Maxim?

43. Taken more than 10 shots of alcohol?
is this a trick question?

44. Shot a gun?

45. Had sex today?
No and not inthe near future.

46. Played strip poker?
Yes eerrr no details

47. Tripped on mushrooms?

48. Donated blood?
done it and always willing

49. Videotaped yourself having sex?

50. Eaten alligator meat?

51. Ever jump out of an airplane?
Not yet.

52. Have you been to more than 10 countries?
4 and counting

53. Ever wanted to have sex with a platonic friend?
Want yes, done it Heck no.

14 March 2008

Got you under my skin

I have been looking for words to say something that is threatening to consume me. Ella Fitzgerald's "you go to my head" comes close only difference is that there is a good possibility that it could happen. Till i figure this out all i know is ...

You go to my head and you linger like a haunting refrain
And I find you spinning 'round in my brain
Like the bubbles in a glass of champagne
You go to my head like a sip of sparkling Burgundy brew
And I find the very mention of you
Like the kicker in a julep or two

The thrill of the thought that you might give a thought to my plea
Cast a spell over me Still I say to myself get a hold of
yourself Can't you see that it never can be

You go to my head with a smile that makes my temperature
rise Like a summer with a thousand Julies
You intoxicate my soul with your eyes
Though I'm certain that this heart of mine
Hasn't a ghost of a chance in this crazy romance
You go to my head
You go to my head

28 February 2008

Wanted: Hands

Hands needed for ointment application, doctor's recommendation " get a man to rub your back and for small talk".
Location: Lower back to Neck strictly.
Qualities: Strong, soft, short nails, firm palm, size not an issue.
Duration: Every morning and evening for 5 days.
Apply via the comments section.

AOB: Dentists and gynecologists should not be allowed to have big hands. Enuf Sed!

26 February 2008

Half a Dozen....

The Rules:
- Link to the person that tagged you.
- Post the rules on your blog.
- Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
- Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
- Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

Moja: Iam my own ms.Fix-it literally and actually enjoy it sadly i cant wash my own hair properly so have to go to a salon.

Mbili: I am get along with men very easily, as a result 99% of my friends are male.This is good and not so good at times esp when dating.

Tatu: I don't know how to ask for help as well as depend on someone. I prefer to handle my own issues myself, i hate being disappointed.

Nne:I don't care much for chocolate, flowers, candy and PDA.

Tano: It takes time for me to walk away from friendships and relationships but when i do i hardly look back. Funny though still consider them as friends.

Sita: I love to dance and i dance to anything as long as there is a beat and rhythm.

By the powers vested in me i tag everyone who is on my blogroll and hasnt posted six yet. Get to work ;)

20 February 2008

Sentimental Ramblings

-Brought on by "In a Sentimental Mood- John Coltrane & Duke Ellington."

Love, these four letters have brought more people together as much as split them. I know Valentine's over but i got to thinking after all this time shouldn't i at least know enough about love. My dad says "there is no love expert". No matter how long or many you love, each person is different. I keep thinking like with work experience, shouldn’t you be able to say what you can and can’t do plus what you are willing to learn on the job. Love, lust, passion, romance, sex all these are just what they are love, lust, passion, romance and sex, each individual has their own “formula” for satisfaction. It is one thing to fall in love another to stay in love which would explain “I love him but am not in love with him”. Funny how when we are in love our tolerance for that person suddenly increases and we are often willing to compromise.

Heard about a lady whose honeymoon was without “bumping uglies” and she was wondering whether it was a sign of trouble ahead. So, when did sex and love become justification for the other? The reason given was maybe because they we already “bumping” prior to the nuptials then maybe that’s why. That brings me to the belief that familiarity causes people to take things for granted. For some people seems that the longer you are together the lazier you both are to explore possibilities until its just routine. Then instead of staying because you are happy you count the number of years you been together, still easier said than done.

At the end of each relationship/relation/fling/clande/arrangement you name it we all have a list of lessons learnt that we swear by with greater emphasis on the dont's. Sadly it only gets complicated with age, clearly this is one area where practice just wont make perfect. I figure the goal is to be true to yourself and have a good time else for me its just not worth it.

13 February 2008

Happy V-day

In the name of all that is red, Happy Valentines to you all seeing that its the season to be flowery in language and literally, in love(real or imagined), proposals and getting off the BT ;).Tis also the only time that irrational things are legally blamed on love. In the past years i have advocated for the crucifixion of the naked baby, this year am indifferent, i just don't care.
Happy Birthday to Daktari, wishing you many blessings and thanks for always being there.
Aside: Catwalq aka Lagba-Jess Get well soonest, chin up me dear.

11 February 2008

Good Stuff

To start the love week allow me to share with you a song that i really love. Its "Niwe Wako Milele (Be yours forever) by Nikki. To no one in particular but go ahead and enjoy.

28 January 2008

Going Down!

All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

I am not sure what i feel, sometimes am sad,then am angry then helpless but mostly overwhelmed. I have had this feelings for the past week or so and from the look of things i had better figure something out real quick. Stuff normally doesn't get me to tears as easily as it is doing now. I feel like i have a million thoughts going through my mind coupled with an endless fast growing to-do list. Towards the end of last week, i was sure that if i could get away if only for a while then maybe i could devise a plan. Now whenever i sleep i keep waking up with fright and have strange incoherent dreams. Then they started a fight where my family is at, its hard to talk to my daddy who is down playing it(i know he is protecting me)and then get the real deal from my siblings. Arrggghhh am so fed up. Still its not been all cloudy, i must thank all the amazing people who have asked about me and my fam (Akiey '07). Others who have made me smile and forget if only for a moment. Yeah even you too who didn't know what to say, am grateful maybe when i can i will talk to someone. I feel like am going down but at least am looking up.

16 January 2008

What I want of you

From epoems.org

I want an infusion of your knowledge
I want to converse with you from moon to moon
I want to know what your desires are
I want to understand your listening
I want to eat your calmness
I want to hum in the key of your music
I want to feel the folds of your clothing

I want to know how things are joined together for you and how set apart
I want to taste the inside of your shell
I want to see how Fibonacci works for you

I want to hold with tenderness your secret tragedies
I want to make you realise what you didn’t know you knew
I want to move you to tears
I want you to be glad of the tears I move you to
I want you to give me the courage to be unreasonable

7 January 2008

Chagua Amani(Choose Peace)

Approx. 300 people killed, 250,000 people without homes, there couldnt be a better time to say Chagua Amani Zuia Noma. True to Eric Wainaina's Kenya Only this is my home, after all is said and done we have to make it work. God bless and help us all. May peace prevail.