Step One

I am a lister and a creature of habit. I love routine and find great comfort in knowing that events or activities will follow each other as planned. In the event that there is no prescribed plan, i will make one up. I am that person who lists stuff just to be sure that i am clear on what comes after what. Every year since i graduated campus i have taken time to list in my journal the things that i plan to achieve for that year. Normally i will keep them to a maximum of twenty items and then formulate the action plans for achieving said goals. As it happens some activities spill over to the next year but will be updated based on the completion date.

At the beginning of this year, one of my biggest prayers was that God would change me to be the person that He would have me become. Anyone who know me well, will tell you that one of my life goals is i aspire to be like the Proverbs 31: 10-31 woman. Realistically it is a tall order but what is life if we cannot aim for the things that seem impossible. When i started this prayer, i genuinely felt that i needed to change and i would not be able to get it done by myself.  I knew from the begining that it would be tough since i might not always agree with what i needed to get done.

The last two months have been a test of my commitment to that prayer in ways that i never thought possible. I had a vision of what i thought i wanted my life to be like and where i should be right now yet all that seems to have been nullified. I have had moments where i have cried out to God  and wondered if He was listening to me at all? There have been moments of complete and utter hopelessness where i just lay in bed and watched as time went by. I honestly do not know the last time i felt so broken or helpless and yet had to go on with life as if i still had it together. 

During Easter weekend i made the decision to go away and just take time off life and think about my life and hopefully gain some answers. While this year so far has not worked out as i had planned, through the pain and the drama, there have been good things going on. One of the best things is my mother and i became friends, i have been able to open up to my mother about my life in ways that i never thought possible. We have grown so close and she has held me up in prayers and encouragement and all i can think of is why did it take so long to get here.

I have had time to look at the people in my life and see them as they really are, question if the relationships were worth it, prayed endlessly for wisdom and courage to do the right thing. I have been able to realize a support system that i didn't realize existed,  people i have called to pray with and for me who have been nothing short of God-sent.

I feel like i have found myself, an old me that was comfortable in her skin, strong, resilient and optimistic. I find that able to express what i feel without fear that i will be judged. I find that am less fearful of the future and what it holds. Guaranteed that there are those days when am begging God to show me what the future holds but i feel that am learning to give up control of the things i cannot control/change and focus on the things that i can.

I find that my plans for the future are not so dreamy but more realistic and flexible knowing that its not always that we get what we want. I am okay with me and where i am even though its not where i wanted to be, i have found peace and strength in knowing that as long as i keep working and believing, it will get better. 

Day 10

One of my goals this year is to read the Bible cover to cover, which i have already started and today marks my tenth day. My other desire has been to grow closer to God hence the reading His word and my other plan to ensure that i make it to church at least twice a month. Twice a month because one weekend every month am travelling and the other is Communion Sunday.I find myself praying more but not the kneel down kind of prayer more like an ongoing conversation as the day goes by. I am blessed in so many ways and i want to see more of the blessings than the lack since sometimes its easier to complain.
I believe that God talks to us and one thing has been dominant for me since the beginning of this year. Over the years i have mellowed out and become more cautious which has sometimes seen me shy away from challenges. This one thing has been recurring to me; Be strong and courageous. I am getting there, sometimes its easy and other times i feel like it will not happen, yet am learning to trust again. In the words of my mum this is the year we realize our goals and dreams. I pray for you that you will dream big and have the strength plus courage to go achieve whatever it is that your heart desires.

Ps: Happy New Year.

Ramblings

First off couple of things, i love living alone, the quietness, the choice to watch and listen to what i want, dress how i want or not, the freedom of being me. Being single allows me to be spontaneous, double freedom. Most of my days are predictable since they start off with a list of things that need to be done by end of business with minor deviations on weekends which are now full of bridal showers, weddings, dowry proceedings, baby showers et al.
Last weekend was no different, was an usher at a wedding then evening party and home to bed, only difference is that i have been having a few issues with my health. As is norm i had waited until it was unbearable before i went to see the doc after which we agreed, ok, more like he informed me that i would have to undergo some procedure but he wasn't sure when but would let me know when space came up.
Sunday afternoon, needing to get my mind of things i called H to hang out at our local joint for some meat and maybe a drink. As usual we caught up on life, drama, friends, work and family. At some point, i told him about the issues that i had which was followed by, had i told anyone in my family about it. To me, it was my problem and mine to find a solution plus i didn't want the pity and worrying that would come from my family. I got a lecture and was duly informed that our friendship was on probation. As soon as i got home in a semi-happy state, my doc calls me to let me know that he had an opening the next day in the afternoon and to abstain from food and if really hungry take clear liquids only.
I sleep as well as i can then get to work the next morning, go through the motions, mail my boss informing him that i will be away then at half one head to the hospital after calling H to inform him of the change in plans as well as a few things to do in case anything goes wrong.Then protocol begins BP, weight, temp,last meal, bla bla bla. Shortly am taken to the changing room, ugly green gown,switch off phone, jab then i have to wait.In that moment,knowing that i would be unconscious for at least two hours, a lot is going on. Questions of what if i don't get up, did H really save my folks number seeing that he was my ICE(In case of Emergency) contact and i hadn't told anyone in my family, i check for medical cover, wish i had someone to sit with me among other things.
Shortly am taken to the theater, lights, jab, counting, darkness then 2.5 hrs later from the clock on the wall.Am awake, i can hear people talking and see a nurse but cant move. I will my toes to wriggle and try to scratch an itch but i cant move, this must be how it feels to be paralyzed.Am scared,worried and relieved. Half an hour later i can move and the first thing i do is to switch on my phone and call H to announce that am alive.
I feel weak, high, dizzy, thirsty, hungry, relieved, i want to go home, confused, sad.I am dropped at home, put to bed then they leave. At that point all i want is someone to sit with me not talk just sit. I call home, order some food and milk, all is well so far. The next day is spent in bed flipping through channels, texting people who are busy at work, my internet connection wont work, tired i give up and sleep only to wake up and it was noon.Very very long day.
I must admit that i love being independent and to think that i can handle anything which is almost true but in the last two weeks i have learnt that nothing can take the place of another person. I have wished and longed that i had someone there with me, confide in, tell me it will be okay. The worst is over. While am thankful for H and my family, it just ain't the same.

25 Random Things About Me

(copied off my facebook, Shiroh am getting to your tag.)

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. My friends are 90% male with like five women that am not related to who I consider to be my sister-friends.
2. I love Uganda, there is something about it that just unleashes my wild alter ego.
3. I know without doubt that if I get to be half the woman my mother I am a sure success.
4. My dad still thinks of me as a little girl and I sometimes act like it when am around him.
5. I disconnect from people and situations with ease. Once my mind is made up I leave and cannot be convinced otherwise.
6. I come off as standoffish and harsh to people who don’t know me.
7. I still get nightmares when I watch scary movies so I generally stay away from them.
8. To sleep I have to be tired so most evenings I do at least half hour of aerobics and shower.
9. I love to read and listen to music .
10. My family is most important to me and I talk to them every Sunday evening
11. I go home(being my parents house) whenever I feel under the weather and at least once every month.
12. Most of the men in my life treat me as one of the boys and are protective of me.
13. I am not fashion conscious and prefer to be comfortable more than fashionable any day.
14. I love to cook and my weekends are used trying out various recipes.
15. I don’t know how to ask for money or help.
16. I love and enjoy being in school ,learning and discussing my point.
17. I am an ambivert.
18. I am friends with all my exes.
19. I am poor at keeping in touch.
20. I hate drama/confrontation and will almost always walk away.
21. I love God and all things related to Him.
22. Am a closet geek.
23. I blog.
24. I love traveling alone and outdoor activities.
25. I have skinny dipped at last 3 times in the last year.(See #2)

Upgrading... please wait

We all struggle with issues(read habits/people/things) in our lives that we know are not the way they ought to be or the way we want them to be. Sometimes at first attempt we set our resolve and its done. Most times we have to try, try again and just when we think we have nailed it, we get tempted or distracted then relapse. After one too many times, i decided to turn my issues to someone i have known all my life, God. With the help of my Ma and my bible study group i asked them to help me pray for an unspoken need. Unspoken need is when you need people to pray with and for you but you cant tell them the details.

I started by asking God to prune me, to rid me of all issues that were holding me back as well as derailing me. Truthfully, it is an easy prayer but i wasn't ready for what would follow. First, was persons who to me i needed their friendship, you know familiarity,sense of belonging, i love them , good times among other reasons. I found myself telling God the role and value of each person that He impressed to me to let go. Some habits and beliefs that were inculcated in me since i was a kid, words that i use because they capture my sentiments accurately. Some of the habits that i have learnt while growing up which define the woman that i have become as well as a few "survival" mechanisms.

Then i asked for the ability to say NO, which for me is particularly difficult to say to people i love and mean alot to me. Maybe even to say no to responsibilities that am asked to take on yet do not have the time but go ahead and pile them on. I am learning to say no with or without explanation depending on the situation as well as the person asking. This has allowed me to focus on fewer things which greatly improves my quality of work plus the added benefit of my very own free time to do as i wish.

Like most people in this day and age i wish i could just flip a switch and issues would be resolved, unfortunately that is not an option. I was reading my journal last night between 2005/6 and while a lot of issues have been resolved there are a couple that have remained the same. Yet some of those resolved issues when i wrote them in they seemed insurmountable, now its like they never were. Change is hard but necessary and am still being upgraded yet some of the things that am most grateful for is the support, people who are real and progress bar that keeps moving.
So what are your issues?

Baby Steps

The past couple of weeks had me in a reflective mood.One of the things i have learnt it that in the blink of an eye life can change and never be the same again. I have learnt that every decision and choice counts though sadly we sometimes have to them in the a split second or take as long as we need. See some decisions are so routine that we don't think of the impact that the have on our life. I don't understand how something so routine, same choice made over and over again then the one day you choose differently all hell breaks loose. I have learnt that there is no decision that shouldn't be thought through and consequences weighed no matter how big or small.
In the same time, i have known what it is for someone to give you their love and show it with no reservations. I have seen love in action, seldom said but shown not in a bid to impress me but just because it is felt and because the person derives the pleasure from it. I have wished and prayed to be able to requite such unmeasurable love yet i couldn't feel anything besides immense nolstagia and deep friendship. I have taken time to think and rethink the pros and cons. My Ma says that in considering forever with someone, true friendship outweighs love any day. I don't remember the last time i prayed to God so much for wisdom so as to make the right choice as well as a sign to say yes, no or wait. The decision made all the more difficult by history (cant believe i have known you for 5 years already) and knowing that you are most of the things i pray for in a mate. Then despite all, knowing that i have to let you go since its not fair to you believing that if you are mine you will be back.
I have rediscovered the pleasure of spending time alone, just chilling or with a good book. Sometimes in the still of the night, just to lay still and let thoughts run through the mind. At the same time, realized the pleasure of good company-easy conversation late into the night, silly jokes, sound advice, the sharing and catching up, endless bottles of wine and munchies, soccer and movies, the fights and all. Knowing when to be silent and listen as well as the joys of sharing.
Spirituality, the very essence of me that i promised to work on this year. I have learnt how to pray not necessarily by kneeling, hands clasped and all but by having constant conversation with God though out my day. In the process, i am transformed into a woman that am loving more everyday. I have learnt to be thankful. I was going through my journal and i realized that i have lot of answered prayers. Some prayers i wish hadn't been answered yet others am grateful that they were. Still am growing steadily, mending my relationship with God in the hope that through that the rest will be mended as well.
I have made peace with the past, knowing very well how far i have come and all the things that have transpired. Some secrets that i will go to the grave with while others that need time to heal and others already healed. Transgressions forgiven and forgotten, others requiring a bit more grace.
It has also been a time when my eyes have been opened to a few issues i was blissfully ignorant. Funny how some friendships don't take lot of effort, i could like not talk to you for long yet when i call you are there just as i am there when you need me and its like we were always together. Friendships, company evaluated and re-evaluated.
Looking forward, a lot of changes ahead, all in name of self improvement and growing up. One small step many more to go...

Disconnected!

Going Down!

Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.


I am not sure what i feel, sometimes am sad,then am angry then helpless but mostly overwhelmed. I have had this feelings for the past week or so and from the look of things i had better figure something out real quick. Stuff normally doesn't get me to tears as easily as it is doing now. I feel like i have a million thoughts going through my mind coupled with an endless fast growing to-do list. Towards the end of last week, i was sure that if i could get away if only for a while then maybe i could devise a plan. Now whenever i sleep i keep waking up with fright and have strange incoherent dreams. Then they started a fight where my family is at, its hard to talk to my daddy who is down playing it(i know he is protecting me)and then get the real deal from my siblings. Arrggghhh am so fed up. Still its not been all cloudy, i must thank all the amazing people who have asked about me and my fam (Akiey '07). Others who have made me smile and forget if only for a moment. Yeah even you too who didn't know what to say, am grateful maybe when i can i will talk to someone. I feel like am going down but at least am looking up.

The Stirring: Is that it?

So its over with/out the option to remain friends or sworn enemies, the we is now I and yes this too shall come to pass. So what happens to
I don’t know what I’d do without you
You are the best thing that ever happened to me
Our song, our place, the memories created and shared
All I want and ever need is you
The vision of you, him/her, x children in the suburbs
One minute Farewell party next welcome back party on the Bilas train
I think he/she is the one (whatever that means)
That feeling of being whipped, in love et al
The being blessed and privileged to have known the person
Thank God I found you
Words don’t do justice to what I feel for you
The understanding and standing up for other
My mind wont think of nothing but you
Forever, I do, I swear….
I Love and trust you

Blah blah blih all this and more then shortly, Tis been real? So what happens between Endless Love and Doing Just fine….Is that it no really is that it soap lather rinse ad infinitum….