11 April 2012

Step One

I am a lister and a creature of habit. I love routine and find great comfort in knowing that events or activities will follow each other as planned. In the event that there is no prescribed plan, i will make one up. I am that person who lists stuff just to be sure that i am clear on what comes after what. Every year since i graduated campus i have taken time to list in my journal the things that i plan to achieve for that year. Normally i will keep them to a maximum of twenty items and then formulate the action plans for achieving said goals. As it happens some activities spill over to the next year but will be updated based on the completion date.

At the beginning of this year, one of my biggest prayers was that God would change me to be the person that He would have me become. Anyone who know me well, will tell you that one of my life goals is i aspire to be like the Proverbs 31: 10-31 woman. Realistically it is a tall order but what is life if we cannot aim for the things that seem impossible. When i started this prayer, i genuinely felt that i needed to change and i would not be able to get it done by myself.  I knew from the begining that it would be tough since i might not always agree with what i needed to get done.

The last two months have been a test of my commitment to that prayer in ways that i never thought possible. I had a vision of what i thought i wanted my life to be like and where i should be right now yet all that seems to have been nullified. I have had moments where i have cried out to God  and wondered if He was listening to me at all? There have been moments of complete and utter hopelessness where i just lay in bed and watched as time went by. I honestly do not know the last time i felt so broken or helpless and yet had to go on with life as if i still had it together. 

During Easter weekend i made the decision to go away and just take time off life and think about my life and hopefully gain some answers. While this year so far has not worked out as i had planned, through the pain and the drama, there have been good things going on. One of the best things is my mother and i became friends, i have been able to open up to my mother about my life in ways that i never thought possible. We have grown so close and she has held me up in prayers and encouragement and all i can think of is why did it take so long to get here.

I have had time to look at the people in my life and see them as they really are, question if the relationships were worth it, prayed endlessly for wisdom and courage to do the right thing. I have been able to realize a support system that i didn't realize existed,  people i have called to pray with and for me who have been nothing short of God-sent.

I feel like i have found myself, an old me that was comfortable in her skin, strong, resilient and optimistic. I find that able to express what i feel without fear that i will be judged. I find that am less fearful of the future and what it holds. Guaranteed that there are those days when am begging God to show me what the future holds but i feel that am learning to give up control of the things i cannot control/change and focus on the things that i can.

I find that my plans for the future are not so dreamy but more realistic and flexible knowing that its not always that we get what we want. I am okay with me and where i am even though its not where i wanted to be, i have found peace and strength in knowing that as long as i keep working and believing, it will get better. 

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