We all struggle with issues(read habits/people/things) in our lives that we know are not the way they ought to be or the way we want them to be. Sometimes at first attempt we set our resolve and its done. Most times we have to try, try again and just when we think we have nailed it, we get tempted or distracted then relapse. After one too many times, i decided to turn my issues to someone i have known all my life, God. With the help of my Ma and my bible study group i asked them to help me pray for an unspoken need. Unspoken need is when you need people to pray with and for you but you cant tell them the details.
I started by asking God to prune me, to rid me of all issues that were holding me back as well as derailing me. Truthfully, it is an easy prayer but i wasn't ready for what would follow. First, was persons who to me i needed their friendship, you know familiarity,sense of belonging, i love them , good times among other reasons. I found myself telling God the role and value of each person that He impressed to me to let go. Some habits and beliefs that were inculcated in me since i was a kid, words that i use because they capture my sentiments accurately. Some of the habits that i have learnt while growing up which define the woman that i have become as well as a few "survival" mechanisms.
Then i asked for the ability to say NO, which for me is particularly difficult to say to people i love and mean alot to me. Maybe even to say no to responsibilities that am asked to take on yet do not have the time but go ahead and pile them on. I am learning to say no with or without explanation depending on the situation as well as the person asking. This has allowed me to focus on fewer things which greatly improves my quality of work plus the added benefit of my very own free time to do as i wish.
Like most people in this day and age i wish i could just flip a switch and issues would be resolved, unfortunately that is not an option. I was reading my journal last night between 2005/6 and while a lot of issues have been resolved there are a couple that have remained the same. Yet some of those resolved issues when i wrote them in they seemed insurmountable, now its like they never were. Change is hard but necessary and am still being upgraded yet some of the things that am most grateful for is the support, people who are real and progress bar that keeps moving.
So what are your issues?
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
14 August 2008
8 April 2008
Baby Steps
The past couple of weeks had me in a reflective mood.One of the things i have learnt it that in the blink of an eye life can change and never be the same again. I have learnt that every decision and choice counts though sadly we sometimes have to them in the a split second or take as long as we need. See some decisions are so routine that we don't think of the impact that the have on our life. I don't understand how something so routine, same choice made over and over again then the one day you choose differently all hell breaks loose. I have learnt that there is no decision that shouldn't be thought through and consequences weighed no matter how big or small.
In the same time, i have known what it is for someone to give you their love and show it with no reservations. I have seen love in action, seldom said but shown not in a bid to impress me but just because it is felt and because the person derives the pleasure from it. I have wished and prayed to be able to requite such unmeasurable love yet i couldn't feel anything besides immense nolstagia and deep friendship. I have taken time to think and rethink the pros and cons. My Ma says that in considering forever with someone, true friendship outweighs love any day. I don't remember the last time i prayed to God so much for wisdom so as to make the right choice as well as a sign to say yes, no or wait. The decision made all the more difficult by history (cant believe i have known you for 5 years already) and knowing that you are most of the things i pray for in a mate. Then despite all, knowing that i have to let you go since its not fair to you believing that if you are mine you will be back.
I have rediscovered the pleasure of spending time alone, just chilling or with a good book. Sometimes in the still of the night, just to lay still and let thoughts run through the mind. At the same time, realized the pleasure of good company-easy conversation late into the night, silly jokes, sound advice, the sharing and catching up, endless bottles of wine and munchies, soccer and movies, the fights and all. Knowing when to be silent and listen as well as the joys of sharing.
Spirituality, the very essence of me that i promised to work on this year. I have learnt how to pray not necessarily by kneeling, hands clasped and all but by having constant conversation with God though out my day. In the process, i am transformed into a woman that am loving more everyday. I have learnt to be thankful. I was going through my journal and i realized that i have lot of answered prayers. Some prayers i wish hadn't been answered yet others am grateful that they were. Still am growing steadily, mending my relationship with God in the hope that through that the rest will be mended as well.
I have made peace with the past, knowing very well how far i have come and all the things that have transpired. Some secrets that i will go to the grave with while others that need time to heal and others already healed. Transgressions forgiven and forgotten, others requiring a bit more grace.
It has also been a time when my eyes have been opened to a few issues i was blissfully ignorant. Funny how some friendships don't take lot of effort, i could like not talk to you for long yet when i call you are there just as i am there when you need me and its like we were always together. Friendships, company evaluated and re-evaluated.
Looking forward, a lot of changes ahead, all in name of self improvement and growing up. One small step many more to go...
In the same time, i have known what it is for someone to give you their love and show it with no reservations. I have seen love in action, seldom said but shown not in a bid to impress me but just because it is felt and because the person derives the pleasure from it. I have wished and prayed to be able to requite such unmeasurable love yet i couldn't feel anything besides immense nolstagia and deep friendship. I have taken time to think and rethink the pros and cons. My Ma says that in considering forever with someone, true friendship outweighs love any day. I don't remember the last time i prayed to God so much for wisdom so as to make the right choice as well as a sign to say yes, no or wait. The decision made all the more difficult by history (cant believe i have known you for 5 years already) and knowing that you are most of the things i pray for in a mate. Then despite all, knowing that i have to let you go since its not fair to you believing that if you are mine you will be back.
I have rediscovered the pleasure of spending time alone, just chilling or with a good book. Sometimes in the still of the night, just to lay still and let thoughts run through the mind. At the same time, realized the pleasure of good company-easy conversation late into the night, silly jokes, sound advice, the sharing and catching up, endless bottles of wine and munchies, soccer and movies, the fights and all. Knowing when to be silent and listen as well as the joys of sharing.
Spirituality, the very essence of me that i promised to work on this year. I have learnt how to pray not necessarily by kneeling, hands clasped and all but by having constant conversation with God though out my day. In the process, i am transformed into a woman that am loving more everyday. I have learnt to be thankful. I was going through my journal and i realized that i have lot of answered prayers. Some prayers i wish hadn't been answered yet others am grateful that they were. Still am growing steadily, mending my relationship with God in the hope that through that the rest will be mended as well.
I have made peace with the past, knowing very well how far i have come and all the things that have transpired. Some secrets that i will go to the grave with while others that need time to heal and others already healed. Transgressions forgiven and forgotten, others requiring a bit more grace.
It has also been a time when my eyes have been opened to a few issues i was blissfully ignorant. Funny how some friendships don't take lot of effort, i could like not talk to you for long yet when i call you are there just as i am there when you need me and its like we were always together. Friendships, company evaluated and re-evaluated.
Looking forward, a lot of changes ahead, all in name of self improvement and growing up. One small step many more to go...
4 February 2008
23 August 2007
No More Rain
My sunshine has come
And there's no more rain in this cloud
Spring has come and winter's gone
Not afraid because the seasons have changed
I'm gonna count my blessing then just follow the sun
-Angie Stone.
6 August 2007
Restoration
They (don't ask who just go with the flow) say it takes 30 days to form a new habit. I need to replace a few habits. Here goes day one, so far so good.*thinking to self* maybe i should do a before and after
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