8 April 2008

Baby Steps

The past couple of weeks had me in a reflective mood.One of the things i have learnt it that in the blink of an eye life can change and never be the same again. I have learnt that every decision and choice counts though sadly we sometimes have to them in the a split second or take as long as we need. See some decisions are so routine that we don't think of the impact that the have on our life. I don't understand how something so routine, same choice made over and over again then the one day you choose differently all hell breaks loose. I have learnt that there is no decision that shouldn't be thought through and consequences weighed no matter how big or small.
In the same time, i have known what it is for someone to give you their love and show it with no reservations. I have seen love in action, seldom said but shown not in a bid to impress me but just because it is felt and because the person derives the pleasure from it. I have wished and prayed to be able to requite such unmeasurable love yet i couldn't feel anything besides immense nolstagia and deep friendship. I have taken time to think and rethink the pros and cons. My Ma says that in considering forever with someone, true friendship outweighs love any day. I don't remember the last time i prayed to God so much for wisdom so as to make the right choice as well as a sign to say yes, no or wait. The decision made all the more difficult by history (cant believe i have known you for 5 years already) and knowing that you are most of the things i pray for in a mate. Then despite all, knowing that i have to let you go since its not fair to you believing that if you are mine you will be back.
I have rediscovered the pleasure of spending time alone, just chilling or with a good book. Sometimes in the still of the night, just to lay still and let thoughts run through the mind. At the same time, realized the pleasure of good company-easy conversation late into the night, silly jokes, sound advice, the sharing and catching up, endless bottles of wine and munchies, soccer and movies, the fights and all. Knowing when to be silent and listen as well as the joys of sharing.
Spirituality, the very essence of me that i promised to work on this year. I have learnt how to pray not necessarily by kneeling, hands clasped and all but by having constant conversation with God though out my day. In the process, i am transformed into a woman that am loving more everyday. I have learnt to be thankful. I was going through my journal and i realized that i have lot of answered prayers. Some prayers i wish hadn't been answered yet others am grateful that they were. Still am growing steadily, mending my relationship with God in the hope that through that the rest will be mended as well.
I have made peace with the past, knowing very well how far i have come and all the things that have transpired. Some secrets that i will go to the grave with while others that need time to heal and others already healed. Transgressions forgiven and forgotten, others requiring a bit more grace.
It has also been a time when my eyes have been opened to a few issues i was blissfully ignorant. Funny how some friendships don't take lot of effort, i could like not talk to you for long yet when i call you are there just as i am there when you need me and its like we were always together. Friendships, company evaluated and re-evaluated.
Looking forward, a lot of changes ahead, all in name of self improvement and growing up. One small step many more to go...


  1. (((Auntie Richi)))
    A journey starts with one step. You aint far it will be alright mum I know its hard and tough but one day you will look back and say I made the right decision and the one I deserve.
    All the best gal and as always be strong. You know where to get me.

  2. pretty deep post this...


    you'll be kool! tuko inadii kuku-help!

  3. I have been at that spot, and every once in a while, I revisit. It is part of that thing we call life and living. It means we're growing up, slowly.

    Best wishes!

  4. In a conversation today, someone told me that she wished she wasn't so aware of what is wrong with her attitude about an issue she's facing. I replied that it is the only way you know that you are living consciously, not just going through the motions. Then I read this. I will send her a link because it should reassure her to know that she's not alone in trying to make good 'real life' decisions. Good luck on your journey- whatever decision you make/don't make, you have started out right.

  5. Deep thinking going on here. I hope It all works out well and your come out fresh at the other side! Once in a while, we all need to step back and take measure of what is going on. (((((((((((G))))))))))))
    It takes not only courage but self love to do that.

  6. Life is tough at times but it’s refreshing to see someone consciously working on understanding and improving themselves and making decisions big and small to better themselves each day.

    All the best Gish!

  7. eh, what do I say? Talk about a deep post, talk about a post that hits home- yaawa. I need a few more reads.

    Life's very best to you. With God as your constant, you are on the right track.


  8. I admire you for taking the time to give life some thought. It's hard to ponder things and confront them, you are on the right path gal!

  9. Ma SR, right decision or not its already done and i have made peace with the consequences.Thanks for being there.
    Modo dodo, thanks. Am cool already ;)
    Mwari, i find myself at this point every so often its hard for a while but i like the after effects,
    Wambui, thanks feels good to know that am not alone in finding my way. Wishing your friend the best.
    HnH,am actually feeling more focussed and on point so i was worth it. Taking stock is essential for growth.
    3n,c'es la vie if we dont progress then we regress. Thanks.
    3toc,am glad you can relate. With God, everything looks simpler.
    Aco, thanks my dear i guess you do what you have to.

  10. Here are my hugs also ((((Gish)))). I can feel you kabisa.

  11. Excellent post.
    I loved this post and this blog.
    Have a nice day

  12. It is my hope every day that I will get closer to Him. I sometime fall and get up just to pursue Him even more. Thanks for this post. It reminds me that there are so many like me on that journey to get closer to God the Father. Peace~

  13. Lovely, deep post! Life is about learning, mistakes and dealing with various challenging decisions and enjoying the things in life we ofte take for granted.

  14. "I have made peace with the past, knowing very well how far i have come and all the things that have transpired. Some secrets that i will go to the grave with while others that need time to heal and others already healed. Transgressions forgiven and forgotten, others requiring a bit more grace."

    This post was absolutely beautiful. I like the fact that you're taking it one baby step at a time...with God, with ur relationship, and with life in general. And u're brutally honest too (which is the way to go). Have a wonderful week! :)

  15. I felt as though I was the one writing this post. I loved this. Is this the season of growth and refection? Seems to be. Very lovely post to say the least.

  16. Lovely post my dear!


  17. ((((g))))). when you're down and out, the only way left is up. so in your baby step, remember you will crawl, take a step, fall back on your butt crawl again, lean on some(one) for support and finally, you will take the steps needed to walk. All the best for you.