21 August 2008

Are that somebody?

Long post ahead but see if you are one of them?

(Ref: Men who can’t Love by Steven Carte and Julia Sokol).

Commitment phobic men/women may display SOME or MANY of the following behaviours:

1. They usually have a history of short relationships and they may never have been married - there is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right woman, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down as they can have children at any age. A favourite line is "someday".

2. If they have been married it is likely to have been for a short time, or, if they have been in a long term relationship or marriage, they will usually have a history of infidelity.

3. They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent women.

4. They are fast to move in on a woman they are attracted to, and they pursue ardently until they win the woman over.

5. They are very charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in reality they have very little concern for the woman’s feelings, as they are always operating from hidden agendas.

6. These men are usually very affectionate and loving. This is because in their mind the relationship is not going to be long term, so they feel free to give affection and love, knowing it won’t be forever. It isn’t long though before they suddenly start rejecting the woman, by not ringing or not wanting to see her for days, or not including her in weekend arrangements etc. This is because they subtly want to give the woman the message that they don’t want a long term committed relationship.

7. Severe commitment phobics play the seduction/rejection game. They can’t make the decision to give totally to the relationship, but they can’t commit to walk away either. They feel trapped by both choices. They feel love for the woman when they don’t see her, but they want to run away when they become involved again.

8. Commitment phobics love the chase but they don’t want the kill. This may happen after 1 night, 1 week, 1 month, 3 months or 1 year. They may start sabotaging just as they are about to get married, or just before or after there's a decision made to move in together.

9. They spin stories to justify their contradictory behaviour, and when the woman threatens to leave the relationship they may make promises to change, but they never do.

10. They tend to treat the woman like a mistress rather than a real girlfriend.

11. They tend to limit the amount of time they spend with the women and treat her as a low priority.

13. Commitment phobics behaviours announce subtly…“You will be special for a short time, but it won’t be forever”.

14. They often choose women who are not the type of partner they are looking for, for example they may be much older, much younger, married, or they may have different interests. They use these differences as excuses to end relationships.

15. They can have a history of frequent career change and often work in environments where they have a certain amount of space and freedom.

16. They treat requests for respect as demands and become, angry, obnoxious and rebellious.

17. Severe commitment phobics avoid events or outings that may include the woman's family or friends.

18. They know an ongoing sexual relationship often leads to commitment so they choose to run when things start to head in that direction.

19. They like to feel in control and create time frames that suit them, often treating the woman like a puppet on a string.

20. They don’t like structure, particularly in their personal life.

21. They tend to compartmentalize their life and keep their work environment, friends or family off limits. They can create wonderful excuses why the woman shouldn’t meet these people.

22. When they get the feeling they need to run, their words and actions are full of mixed messages. They play mind games.

23. A commitment phobic won’t allow the relationship to grow and they have no intentions of ever doing so.

24. They can be moody or aloof and blame the woman for why they are acting so bizarrely.

25. They may withdraw sexually and blame it on the woman for being demanding, or on work fatigue, or illness, or anything else that they can think of.

26. They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility .They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely.

27. They lie, or they are evasive and secretive about where they are and what they are doing to create space.

28. Their living arrangements may be rather off-beat. They may have an apartment but they may rarely stay there, preferring to stay at friends places, with parents or ex-girlfriend’s.

29. They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.

30. Severe commitment phobics may have very little furniture, not own property or a car, as these represent commitment as well. To some buying a car can be as big a decision as deciding to get married - it can be all too much for them as they don’t want to feel stuck with anything.

31. They often don’t invite women to their home because of their peculiar living arrangements, but they have no desire to change their situation. Even if their home is comfortable it exudes the feeling that they want to be alone. It is not welcoming to the outside world.

32. They are often unreliable, late and sometimes they don’t turn up at all. They are like this with family and friends as well, although this is not the case in their working environment.

33. They are often unfaithful in relationships.

34. They can be overly committed to their work or to their children to avoid spending a lot of time with a woman.

35. Severe commitment phobics rarely lower their defences because they don’t want to get too close to a woman, or vice versa. If they do, they usually only give little pieces of their soul in well- planned instalments, except if they are having an affair. Affairs are perfect for commitment phobics as they feel completely safe to disclose and to chase, as commitment is not an option while they are in another relationship.

36. If a man has been married he may void putting his divorce papers through as he can use this as an excuse to keep a woman at bay. This helps him to feel safe from the possibility of ever getting married again.

37. Behavioural inconsistencies are very noticeable with these men when they find themselves getting too close. They become argumentive and abusive, or they create distance. A lot of uncaring sabotage behaviours surface eg. working long hours, taking on extra projects, creating space, not ringing, being late, finding fault with the woman etc

38. They often choose to travel a lot for work, to play a lot of sport, or be involved in many projects to create distance.

39. These men know on some level that they are deceptive and cruel to women.

40. The word “forever” terrifies these men. Love doesn’t scare them; rather it is what love represents to them that scares them. This is due to their negative belief system about love and relationships.

41. They usually end up behaving worse and worse, and they sabotage more and more because they want the woman to end the relationship as they feel too anxious and guilty to do so.

42. Severe commitment phobics can also suffer from claustrophobia and/or a personality disorder.

14 August 2008

Upgrading... please wait

We all struggle with issues(read habits/people/things) in our lives that we know are not the way they ought to be or the way we want them to be. Sometimes at first attempt we set our resolve and its done. Most times we have to try, try again and just when we think we have nailed it, we get tempted or distracted then relapse. After one too many times, i decided to turn my issues to someone i have known all my life, God. With the help of my Ma and my bible study group i asked them to help me pray for an unspoken need. Unspoken need is when you need people to pray with and for you but you cant tell them the details.

I started by asking God to prune me, to rid me of all issues that were holding me back as well as derailing me. Truthfully, it is an easy prayer but i wasn't ready for what would follow. First, was persons who to me i needed their friendship, you know familiarity,sense of belonging, i love them , good times among other reasons. I found myself telling God the role and value of each person that He impressed to me to let go. Some habits and beliefs that were inculcated in me since i was a kid, words that i use because they capture my sentiments accurately. Some of the habits that i have learnt while growing up which define the woman that i have become as well as a few "survival" mechanisms.

Then i asked for the ability to say NO, which for me is particularly difficult to say to people i love and mean alot to me. Maybe even to say no to responsibilities that am asked to take on yet do not have the time but go ahead and pile them on. I am learning to say no with or without explanation depending on the situation as well as the person asking. This has allowed me to focus on fewer things which greatly improves my quality of work plus the added benefit of my very own free time to do as i wish.

Like most people in this day and age i wish i could just flip a switch and issues would be resolved, unfortunately that is not an option. I was reading my journal last night between 2005/6 and while a lot of issues have been resolved there are a couple that have remained the same. Yet some of those resolved issues when i wrote them in they seemed insurmountable, now its like they never were. Change is hard but necessary and am still being upgraded yet some of the things that am most grateful for is the support, people who are real and progress bar that keeps moving.
So what are your issues?

13 August 2008

Am blessed!

I want to shout, real loud hoping to ease the pressure or is it excitement then call A and spill it all out but i cant do that ,while it lasts i intend to enjoy it to the fullest Lord help me.

7 August 2008

10 years on- Not forgotten

Daima (Kenya only) - Eric Wainaina

Umoja ni fahari yetu (Unity is our pride)
Undugu ndio nguvu (brotherhood/kinship our strength)
Chuki na ukabila (hate and tribalism)
Hatutaki hata kamwe (we don’t want at all)
Lazima tuungane, tuijenge nchi yetu (we must unite and build our country)
Pasiwe hata mmoja (let there be none)
Anaetenganisha; (that will put us asunder)

Naishi, Natumaini, (I live, I hope)
Najitolea daima Kenya, (I devote myself to Kenya)
Hakika ya bendera (The surety of our flag)
Ni uthabiti wangu (is my stability)
Nyeusi ya wananchi na nyekundu ni ya damu (black is for the people, red for the blood)
Kijani ni ya ardhi, nyeupe ya amani (green for the land, white for peace)
Daima mimi mkenya (Forever, I am Kenyan)
Mwananchi mzalendo (a patriotic citizen)

Kwa uchungu na mateso (with pain and suffering)
Kwa vilio na huzuni (with tears and sadness)
Tulinyakuliwa Uhuru (freedom was attained for us)
na mashujaa wa zamani (by the heroes of old)
Hawakushtushwa na risasi (they were not frightened by bullets)
au kufungwa gerezani (or to languish in jail)
Nia yao ukombozi kuvunja pingu za ukoloni (their purpose was emancipation – to break the yolk of colonialism)


Wajibu wetu (our responsibility)
Ni Kuishi kwa upendo (is to live with love)
Kutoka ziwa Mpaka pwani (from the lake to the ocean)
Kaskazini na kusini (north to south)

We still remember. We pray that it may not happen again in these lands or others.God bless us all.