4 December 2012

Again, Here we go

I am almost certain that the more things change the more they stay the same. I was looking at some old posts circa 2005 and the relationship troubles  have not changed much. Difference is i seem to judge character better and faster than before.

One of the way that things have not changed is the beginning, okay maybe a little, since this instance girl is hooked up for a blind date with boy. On meeting, they realize that they have met before, in fact boy has been to girl's house for a party *insert quizzical look here*. Apparently he remembers her while she doesn't anyway, who cares the date goes on. Here is the thing, he is a sharp dude and conversation is ridiculously good and he is a lot of things that girl likes (yes, i love lists).

Then some really good times, mixed signals, second guessing, conversation with a friend to check if she is not over thinking it ...  Slowly the dopamine rush fades away and with it the rose colored glasses clear. I like him, he knows it and says he likes me too. why do i feel like am 16 again ? If only crushes, love and relationships got easier with time. 

As my dad says no one can claim to be an expert in love, each person comes with a new set of terms.

23 August 2012

Little Things

Its the little things in the relationship that make it worth it. I just got home from a celebration with my MBA class of end of school.Funny how the first person i wanted to call and tell that school is over is my ex-boyfriend. Somehow that word still doesn't suit him i feel like there should be more words to explain what used to be. There are several things that i miss abut about being in a relationship:-

  • That hug that you get that requires a moment on both parties that makes you know someone has your back.
  • The rolling over in bed and feeling someone next to you then you snuggle up to them
  • The kisses the touch that knowing feeling. 
  • The ability to explain situations by referring to previous information such as you know how X is?
  • The conversations where anything and everything is acceptable.
  • That satisfaction or sense of feeling that he might be the one
  • The chance to take care of someone 
  • The making plans and dreaming of the possibilities together
  • The pride of introducing another as yours.
It ridiculous how everything just fades away and there is so so much that is left unanswered. As a good friend prayed" Lord if he is not mine let me not see him and let him not see me". My heart is shattered into so many pieces such that i don't know how to put them together. I don't know how to  start don't again, i dunno how to trust again, i just don't know how to find love again. 

I have been here before and i should know how to do this if only i could stop crying then we might have progress, If only i had the balls to tell the people who ask after us that there is no us anymore. If only there was a way to never have met you or fall in love in with you then i might have a chance at believing in love and forever. Maybe believe that all things works out for my good and that i will find love again. If only there was a way to mute the moans of the neighbor's girlfriend upstairs that remind me that am all by myself. If only there was a way of dreaming of the future and the man i see in future is not you. If only there was a way to even think of getting laid by someone else and controlling how fast my knees snap shut at the thought of another man. 
 If only there was another way to tell my dad that we are no longer together? If only i could get myself to forgive you and look past this?

Way too many what ifs and possibilities. Yet life goes on regardless.

Sucks that we almost had it all then you screwed it up.

11 April 2012

Step One

I am a lister and a creature of habit. I love routine and find great comfort in knowing that events or activities will follow each other as planned. In the event that there is no prescribed plan, i will make one up. I am that person who lists stuff just to be sure that i am clear on what comes after what. Every year since i graduated campus i have taken time to list in my journal the things that i plan to achieve for that year. Normally i will keep them to a maximum of twenty items and then formulate the action plans for achieving said goals. As it happens some activities spill over to the next year but will be updated based on the completion date.

At the beginning of this year, one of my biggest prayers was that God would change me to be the person that He would have me become. Anyone who know me well, will tell you that one of my life goals is i aspire to be like the Proverbs 31: 10-31 woman. Realistically it is a tall order but what is life if we cannot aim for the things that seem impossible. When i started this prayer, i genuinely felt that i needed to change and i would not be able to get it done by myself.  I knew from the begining that it would be tough since i might not always agree with what i needed to get done.

The last two months have been a test of my commitment to that prayer in ways that i never thought possible. I had a vision of what i thought i wanted my life to be like and where i should be right now yet all that seems to have been nullified. I have had moments where i have cried out to God  and wondered if He was listening to me at all? There have been moments of complete and utter hopelessness where i just lay in bed and watched as time went by. I honestly do not know the last time i felt so broken or helpless and yet had to go on with life as if i still had it together. 

During Easter weekend i made the decision to go away and just take time off life and think about my life and hopefully gain some answers. While this year so far has not worked out as i had planned, through the pain and the drama, there have been good things going on. One of the best things is my mother and i became friends, i have been able to open up to my mother about my life in ways that i never thought possible. We have grown so close and she has held me up in prayers and encouragement and all i can think of is why did it take so long to get here.

I have had time to look at the people in my life and see them as they really are, question if the relationships were worth it, prayed endlessly for wisdom and courage to do the right thing. I have been able to realize a support system that i didn't realize existed,  people i have called to pray with and for me who have been nothing short of God-sent.

I feel like i have found myself, an old me that was comfortable in her skin, strong, resilient and optimistic. I find that able to express what i feel without fear that i will be judged. I find that am less fearful of the future and what it holds. Guaranteed that there are those days when am begging God to show me what the future holds but i feel that am learning to give up control of the things i cannot control/change and focus on the things that i can.

I find that my plans for the future are not so dreamy but more realistic and flexible knowing that its not always that we get what we want. I am okay with me and where i am even though its not where i wanted to be, i have found peace and strength in knowing that as long as i keep working and believing, it will get better.