First off couple of things, i love living alone, the quietness, the choice to watch and listen to what i want, dress how i want or not, the freedom of being me. Being single allows me to be spontaneous, double freedom. Most of my days are predictable since they start off with a list of things that need to be done by end of business with minor deviations on weekends which are now full of bridal showers, weddings, dowry proceedings, baby showers et al.
Last weekend was no different, was an usher at a wedding then evening party and home to bed, only difference is that i have been having a few issues with my health. As is norm i had waited until it was unbearable before i went to see the doc after which we agreed, ok, more like he informed me that i would have to undergo some procedure but he wasn't sure when but would let me know when space came up.
Sunday afternoon, needing to get my mind of things i called H to hang out at our local joint for some meat and maybe a drink. As usual we caught up on life, drama, friends, work and family. At some point, i told him about the issues that i had which was followed by, had i told anyone in my family about it. To me, it was my problem and mine to find a solution plus i didn't want the pity and worrying that would come from my family. I got a lecture and was duly informed that our friendship was on probation. As soon as i got home in a semi-happy state, my doc calls me to let me know that he had an opening the next day in the afternoon and to abstain from food and if really hungry take clear liquids only.
I sleep as well as i can then get to work the next morning, go through the motions, mail my boss informing him that i will be away then at half one head to the hospital after calling H to inform him of the change in plans as well as a few things to do in case anything goes wrong.Then protocol begins BP, weight, temp,last meal, bla bla bla. Shortly am taken to the changing room, ugly green gown,switch off phone, jab then i have to wait.In that moment,knowing that i would be unconscious for at least two hours, a lot is going on. Questions of what if i don't get up, did H really save my folks number seeing that he was my ICE(In case of Emergency) contact and i hadn't told anyone in my family, i check for medical cover, wish i had someone to sit with me among other things.
Shortly am taken to the theater, lights, jab, counting, darkness then 2.5 hrs later from the clock on the wall.Am awake, i can hear people talking and see a nurse but cant move. I will my toes to wriggle and try to scratch an itch but i cant move, this must be how it feels to be paralyzed.Am scared,worried and relieved. Half an hour later i can move and the first thing i do is to switch on my phone and call H to announce that am alive.
I feel weak, high, dizzy, thirsty, hungry, relieved, i want to go home, confused, sad.I am dropped at home, put to bed then they leave. At that point all i want is someone to sit with me not talk just sit. I call home, order some food and milk, all is well so far. The next day is spent in bed flipping through channels, texting people who are busy at work, my internet connection wont work, tired i give up and sleep only to wake up and it was noon.Very very long day.
I must admit that i love being independent and to think that i can handle anything which is almost true but in the last two weeks i have learnt that nothing can take the place of another person. I have wished and longed that i had someone there with me, confide in, tell me it will be okay. The worst is over. While am thankful for H and my family, it just ain't the same.

Labels: The Stirring, thinking aloud...