Again, Here we go

I am almost certain that the more things change the more they stay the same. I was looking at some old posts circa 2005 and the relationship troubles  have not changed much. Difference is i seem to judge character better and faster than before.

One of the way that things have not changed is the beginning, okay maybe a little, since this instance girl is hooked up for a blind date with boy. On meeting, they realize that they have met before, in fact boy has been to girl's house for a party *insert quizzical look here*. Apparently he remembers her while she doesn't anyway, who cares the date goes on. Here is the thing, he is a sharp dude and conversation is ridiculously good and he is a lot of things that girl likes (yes, i love lists).

Then some really good times, mixed signals, second guessing, conversation with a friend to check if she is not over thinking it ...  Slowly the dopamine rush fades away and with it the rose colored glasses clear. I like him, he knows it and says he likes me too. why do i feel like am 16 again ? If only crushes, love and relationships got easier with time. 


As my dad says no one can claim to be an expert in love, each person comes with a new set of terms.

Little Things

Its the little things in the relationship that make it worth it. I just got home from a celebration with my MBA class of end of school.Funny how the first person i wanted to call and tell that school is over is my ex-boyfriend. Somehow that word still doesn't suit him i feel like there should be more words to explain what used to be. There are several things that i miss abut about being in a relationship:-

• That hug that you get that requires a moment on both parties that makes you know someone has your back.
• The rolling over in bed and feeling someone next to you then you snuggle up to them
• The kisses the touch that knowing feeling. 
• The ability to explain situations by referring to previous information such as you know how X is?
• The conversations where anything and everything is acceptable.
• That satisfaction or sense of feeling that he might be the one
• The chance to take care of someone 
• The making plans and dreaming of the possibilities together
• The pride of introducing another as yours.

It ridiculous how everything just fades away and there is so so much that is left unanswered. As a good friend prayed" Lord if he is not mine let me not see him and let him not see me". My heart is shattered into so many pieces such that i don't know how to put them together. I don't know how to  start don't again, i dunno how to trust again, i just don't know how to find love again. 

I have been here before and i should know how to do this if only i could stop crying then we might have progress, If only i had the balls to tell the people who ask after us that there is no us anymore. If only there was a way to never have met you or fall in love in with you then i might have a chance at believing in love and forever. Maybe believe that all things works out for my good and that i will find love again. If only there was a way to mute the moans of the neighbor's girlfriend upstairs that remind me that am all by myself. If only there was a way of dreaming of the future and the man i see in future is not you. If only there was a way to even think of getting laid by someone else and controlling how fast my knees snap shut at the thought of another man. 

 If only there was another way to tell my dad that we are no longer together? If only i could get myself to forgive you and look past this?

Way too many what ifs and possibilities. Yet life goes on regardless.

Sucks that we almost had it all then you screwed it up.